A Dictator and a Solid Snake: A Tale of Jerk Airways

At Jerk Airways Headquarters in Dallas, Texas

“Well everyone, so we’ve got a really interesting gig coming up” said James “Jimmy” Edwards. “Looks like we’re gonna have a real special guest going on one of our flights soon”

“Who?” asked Donna Roberts, CTO of Jerk Airways.

“Kim Jong Un will be taking a Jerk Airways flight” replied Jimmy.

“Seriously!? That’s gonna be…interesting” said the CIO.

“Well, the CIA has already contacted us, they want to try stuff apparently” said Notch, the PR Officer.

“Tell them they’re free to book a ticket, it’s only 5 dollars after all. Beyond that, no special treatment” replied Jimmy.

“So how do we want to do this?” asked Donna.

“Why’d he even choose Jerk Airways? Seems a bit random, considering he could’ve gone with top luxury if he wanted” drawled Johnny Bravo, formerly a pilot, now promoted to COO.

“Well publicly he says he wants to travel as the people of the West do. Contacts say he’s saving money for his nuclear program. As for where he’s going, apparently there’s some sort of dictators conference he’s attending. He’s the keynote speaker and will also be presenting at the Subjugation segment of the conference. He wants to travel the Western way? Do what we always do then” said Jimmy.

Stockholm Arlanda International Airport, Stockholm, Sweden

 

At the Jerk Airways departure gate for the flight to Darujhistan (for some reason, everyone was going to Darujhistan these days, and no one knew exactly why), no one seemed to notice the portly, loud mouthed man and his small entourage waiting for the flight to start boarding. Nor did anyone notice the other man closely watching the loud mouth. The man watching had an eyepatch on along with a bandana.

A passenger yelled “Solid Snake!?”

“SHHHHH!!!!” hissed the man with the eyepatch, who seemed to be Solid Snake.

Why would anyone care? After all, when waiting for a Jerk Airways flight, you never know what to expect. As usual, a man dressed like a cowboy was standing at the ready to begin boarding. The cowboy then jumped on top of the Jerk Airways desk at the gate, with a Megaphone in hand.

“Alright everyone! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Darujhistan! So let’s get this show started!” drawled the cowboy through his Megaphone. “So, now y’all may or may not know, but boarding here…”

“EXCUSE ME!” bellowed the loud mouth as he and his entourage shoved people out of their way.

“Hoho! Looks like someone’s in a hurry to get going! I always love watchin’ y’all compete to get in the plane!” quipped the cowboy.

“Yes, yes, I am in a hurry, but I am special!” snapped the loud mouth with an expression of utter contempt on his face.

“Special?” said the cowboy quizzically.

“Yes!” replied the loud mouth with a smirk on his face.

“Now look, I’m sure your mommy told you you’re special plenty of times, but here at Jerk Airways, we mistreat all of passengers equally, so..”

“IGNORANT FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?” roared the loud mouth.

The cowboy scratched his head for a moment. The loud mouth did look somewhat familiar, but that didn’t really matter much to the cowboy, since a passenger was just another article of cargo to Jerk Airways. This was a new situation for Jerk Airways, and even the How Not to Give a Shit and Optimize Costs training manual didn’t really have any rule on how to optimize the cost here. The cowboy then decided that this was just another really unruly passenger, to be treated as such.

“I don’t frankly give a shit son! You ain’t even cute to look at! Now like I was saying…”

“STUPID AMERICAN! I AM KIM JONG UN!” exploded a red faced Kim Jong Un.

Realization dawned on the cowboy. This is gonna be fun thought the cowboy.

“Well look here everybody! We brought y’all a celebrity asshole for y’all’s entertainment! Is that service or what!?” yelled the cowboy.

“SILENCE AMERICAN! I WILL NUKE YOU!” screamed an increasingly reddening Kim Jong Un.

A man with wire rimmed glasses put a hand on Kim Jong Un and began petting him the way one pets a particularly angry dog. Kim Jong Un then began panting like a horse as he seemed to calm down.

“Kim Jong Un demands that he be allowed to board first on account of his status! Even you barbaric Americans realize what he is.” said a man in the entourage.

“Why should I give a shit?” asked the cowboy.

“He is the grand leader of North Korea! He deserves respect!”

“Well grand leader, see when you buy a ticket with Jerk Airways, you sign an agreement of airline rules that says you ain’t shit, and I’m the King, God, Jesus, Allah, Moses, Vishnu, Buddha, Zeus, Jupiter, and Odin all wrapped into one mean, badass cowboy style sandwich so long as you are on this flight. So y’all follow my rules, and I promise you y’all’ll get where y’all gotta be, for only 5 dollars. You’ll save money for your nuclear program and we’ll all be happy”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY FOR MY NUKES” bellowed Kim Jong Un.

Before the spectacled man could speak, the cowboy cut him off.

“IT’S TIME TO BOARD GUYS! NOW GET Y’ALL’S ASSES ONBOARD! GIDDYUP ABODY!”

The crowd surged forward at the appearance of the ‘herders’ who appeared with cattle prods and whips.

“YOU CANNOT DO THIS!” howled Kim Jong Un, who now appeared to be on the verge of tears.

“TELL THEM THEY CAN’T DO THIS!” he snapped to the entourage.

Before the entourage could try anything, a herder jumped behind them and yelled

“YEE HAW! GIDDYUP ASSHOLES! ONBOARD NOW!”

ZAPP!

“STOP THAT!” snapped Kim Jong Un/

ZAPP!

“I’M SERIOUS! I’LL NUKE YOUR HOME!”

ZAP!

“THAT WAS MY PRETTY FACE! I WILL NUKE YOUR FACE IN REVENGE!

ZAPPPPP!

The herder kept on zapping with the cattle prod Kim Jong Un, who slowly gave ground. His entourage had already abandoned him.

“MAN THIS IS FUN! I AIN’T HAD THIS MUCH FUN ON THE JOB EVER!” whooped the herder.

Slowly, Kim Jong Un was at the cabin door. For once, Kim Jong Un was a bit confused and not screaming.

“Wait, I do not see space in there. How do you American scum expect me to…”

The cowboy appeared behind him and gave him one strong round house kick on the ass while saying

“Get your grand leader, arrogant, radioactive ass in the fucking airplane son! I ain’t got time to waste on your bitchin’! This ain’t Pyongyang son, it’s Jerk Airways!”

The kick sent Kim Jong Un literally rolling through the main cabin, with passengers knocked aside like bowling pins. Kim Jong Un ended up sitting on top of one of his entourage members while wedged between three other people in various different positions.

“Grand leader, you’re crushing meeee!” wailed the man underneath Kim Jong Un.

“Silence you fool! I crush everyone!” snapped Kim Jong Un.

Unbeknownst to others, the man known as Snake assiduously avoided the cattle prods by    hiding in a cardboard box and walking into the flight. That is, until the cowboy saw him.

“The fuck!?” said the cowboy as he saw the cardboard box walking in to the flight. The box suddenly sat still. This flight is getting weirder and weirder thought the cowboy. The cowboy walked up to the cardboard box, gave it one hard kick, and sent both Snake and the box flying across the flight, smashing into another crowd of passengers.

“Alrighty folks are y’all ready!?” drawled the cowboy.

The only response was moans and wails of the crushed entourage member and someone saying:

“Who the fuck brought this cardboard box on the plane…goddamn this flight”

“Alrighty folks! Let’s get going!”

The plane began to taxi as the pilot made some announcements:

“Hey everybody, welcome to Jerk Airways! This is your pilot speaking, known as Dom Toretto. Not really my real name, and yes it is from Fast and Furious series, and it’s what they used to call me when I was a stunt driver, and well, I’m not anymore, because, well, I don’t want to get into that. I haven’t done much flying before, but I hear it’s kind of like driving stunt cars, right? Anyways, hang on everyone! We’re about to take off!”

Here’s my chance, thought Snake.

Snake lay flat on his belly as he started to crawl his way forward to Kim Jong Un when the plane suddenly lurched forward, shaking off the ground, then suddenly skidding sideways through the air like a stunt car, sending Snake flying backwards again and smashing into some other passenger. Once more, the cowboy seemed to be glued in place with his magnetic shoes. Kim Jong Un seemed unaffected, somehow.

“HOO YEAH I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THAT IN THE AIR!” yelled the pilot.

Suddenly the flight seemed somewhat more normal again, if you could ignore the fact that there were people crammed into every space and a cardboard box randomly floating around. Even Kim Jong Un seemed quieter than before.

I’m getting too old for this, thought Snake as he tried to get off the ground.

Snake then began once more to make his way towards Kim Jong Un again. He used people as cover to avoid detection. Snake had gotten to within 10 feet of Kim Jong Un.

“Hey it’s Solid Snake!” yelled someone right at that moment.

Kim Jong Un’s eyes went wide, his face twisted into a mask of pure fear and horror.

“A SNAKE! WHERE IS IT!!!?? SNAKKEEE! HELLPPPP!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” he screamed as he started stamping around in a frenzy.

As Kim Jong Un continued to scream, the cowboy jumped into the fray with a baseball bat.

“WHERE DAT SNAKE AT!?” yelled the cowboy.

Kim Jong Un continued screaming and stamping in response. The cowboy started indiscriminately swinging his bat. Snake ducked and hid behind an entourage member, who was hit clean on the head and immediately rendered unconscious.

“Ah this ain’t gonna work” said the cowboy after hitting nothing but entourage members. He then got out his walkie-talkie. “Yo Dom, we got a goddamned snake on this aircraft, try some maneuvers to smoke out the bastard”

“HANG ON!” yelled the pilot.

The plane then started doing loops in the air. Snake and Kim Jong Un were both sent flying. Kim Jong Un smashed into other passengers like a pinball while Snake attempted to avoid breaking more bones. Passengers and bags flew around, while the cowboy hit anything that got too close with his baseball bat as if he was batting on a baseball pitch. Snake puked out the c-ration he’d eaten earlier. Kim Jong Un had stopped yelling.

“Alright I think we’re good Dom” said the cowboy into the walkie talkie.

The plane leveled out. Everyone landed flat on the deck again.

“Grow a pair grand leader, there ain’t no snake here, yeesh” said the cowboy as he walked off.

Snake got up again.

“Snake, you alright” said a voice in Snake’s ear.

“Just fine. It’s like I’m on vacation Otacon. You should really try it sometime” said Snake sarcastically.

“I’m fine with not being on the frontline Snake. I’ll leave that to you. It seems like you got detected that time. Try avoiding detection next time” said Otacon.

“I’ll keep that in mind” growled Snake.

Snake then proceeded to somehow pull out a barrel and jump inside it. He then resumed his approach to Kim Jong Un. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un had continued his incessant screeching.

“YOU AMERICANS ARE HORRIBLE! NO FOOD, NO WATER! EVEN I’M BETTER TO MY PEOPLE! I AT LEAST PRETEND!” bellowed Kim Jong Un.

“Well I guess that makes us more honest than you, grand asshole” retorted the cowboy. “Besides, we never said you’d get shit. Just that you’d get to your destination. That’s it.”

As Snake inched closer in his barrel, and people stared at the barrel, the pilot announced

“Alright everyone! Hang on! We’re gonna land!”

The plane then proceeded to swerve through the sky, sending the barrel flying off of Snake. Once more, everyone was in flight inside the aircraft. Kim Jong Un smashed Snake against a wall. The plane barrel rolled through the sky,  sending Kim Jong Un into another pinball flight around the plane. The barrel crashed into Snake as he then proceeded to hit passengers, bags, and other assorted things as he came face to face with the cowboy, who still had his baseball bat. Snake was about to use his close quarters combat (CQC) techniques to disarm the cowboy when the cowboy hit Snake with the baseball bat to send him flying and smashing back into the barrel again and then back into Kim Jong Un, who at this point was screaming

“I WILL NUKE YOU BASTARDS!”

“HOME RUN!” yelled the cowboy.

The plane then touched down with a bone crunching thud on the runway. Once more, everyone was on the ground again. The flight finally got to its gate.

“Alrighty everyone! Time to get off!” said the cowboy.

The cowboy then made his way out of the plane to the gate. As the staff went through its usual routine of herding people and throwing people out of the plane, Kim Jong Un, staggered up to the cowboy. The cowboy was about to say something when Kim Jong Un shook the cowboy’s hand.

“You sir are an example to behold!” said Kim Jong Un.

“What?” asked the cowboy.

“A brilliant means of subjugation! Imagine transporting political prisoners like this! You have given me many ideas! I will implement them immediately to gain more power! You sir, are a hero of the Democratic People’s Republic! You are always welcome to the DPRK! As a hero! I thank you!”

Kim Jong Un then turned to his beleaguered entourage.

“Come on you fools! Carry your injured leader out of here! You will all be hailed as heroes!”

His entourage then attempted to lift Kim Jong Un on their own broken bones. They walked all of 7 steps and then all collapsed into a pile. The cowboy chuckled.

“Gosh darn, that’s gotta be the nicest thing anyone’s said to me!” said the blushing cowboy.

Snake, not the least nor the forgotten, limped through the boarding passageway. He was then on his knees. Otacon encouraged Snake to get through. He had gotten through the microwave hall, he could do this. Snake crawled through, then puked his instant noodles. He then crawled out of the boarding passage and collapsed onto the ground just at the gate. He saw Kim Jong Un once more being lifted by his entourage and staff members of the Dictator’s Conference. He knew in that moment the outcome of this mission.

“This is Snake” panted Snake. “Mission….failed”

“Snake!? What happened Snake!? Talk to me Snake. Snake!? SNAKE!? SNAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEE!” yelled Otacon in the radio in Snake’s ear.

The cowboy looked at the collapsed form in the gate. He shrugged his shoulders, picked up Snake, and literally threw him across the gate like he would any other passenger.

 

 

 

 

Complaining to Jerk Airways (A Tale of Jerk Airways)

To Whomsoever is in Charge of Customer Service (If it exists) for This Damned Airline

I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point. How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service! Your boarding process involved a man dressed like a cowboy (and what is it with you people and cowboys!?) first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination! I thought you people have equal treatment for all!? So much for that!

Then he started the general boarding, where the term ‘general’ seemed to mean ‘herding’, since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle! And I don’t see why anyone should be treated this way! Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism! That plane was already packed with luggage and people!

Onboard, I was half sitting, half crouching, and wedged between at least 15 other people Then we heard who the pilot is. By god. He announced “Hey y’all, welcome to Jerk Airways flight to New York City, JFK International Airport! I’m your pilot, Johnny Bravo, and I don’t usually fly planes, I actually usually ride bulls, but it’s the same general idea, and I promise y’all will get there. And just so y’all know, I do take tips should you want to give them!”. First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes? I discovered later what that connection meant.

So, now we go to take off, with the pilot leaving the PA system on as he screamed “YEEEE HAWWWW” into the mike while he took the plane off. At least he didn’t do anything too crazy here. No, that would come later. At this point I had next to no expectations from you people. But then came an announcement that drinks were going to be served. I wondered how they would manage this feat with the plane as crowded as it was. I discovered, to my dismay, what that actually meant. The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.

But of course, how could it? You seem to be intent on making sure that no one gets off these flights with a good experience. First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around, and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod. I somehow found myself pressed up against a window for the duration of the flight.

Then of course, your damned flight mercifully ended, but not before Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!? Of course, getting off the plane was another fascinating treatise on terribly treating your customers. The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms. The rest of us. Oh well, the rest of us don’t deserve this grand treatment. Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!” Once more, I am not skinny! Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries.

I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

Signed,

Jason

Jerk Airways Responds:

I will concede one thing to you, Jason my man, we don’t really have a customer service department. So instead, it’s me, that cowboy, who was on that flight with you, responding to your letter. I’m gonna break this all down and respond to each bullet point, from start to end.

-“I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point.

-How rude of you.

-“How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service!”

-Now, now buddy. It is legal because each time you fly with us, you’re agreeing to our terms of service. You were warned. You didn’t read our rules. And why did you expect customer service to begin with? We told you that for $5, we’d get you where you needed to be. Did you not get to NYC on time? We never said how you’d get there. Now on to boarding:

-“first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination!”

-How was it discrimination? I chose both men and women that I thought were cute lookin’, and gave ’em my phone number. A guy and a girl even called me back! You’re just jealous that I don’t think you’re cute. It’s alright. I’m sure someone’ll love you, even though you’re an angry guy. And we do treat everyone equally, as you noted next.

-“since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle!”

-Y’all gotta get in there and on time. I gotta do what I gotta do. And again, we never promised any treatment. Just that you’d get where you needed to. You got off easy compared to the others. Other guys got shocked 8 times.

-“Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism!”

-1): You are skinny. It’s why I don’t think you’re cute. No need to be jealous of the others. I’m sure you’ll find someone. If this is a problem, I can find you a dating service. Just let me know.

-2): You are a pessimist. There’s multiple ways of looking at a situation like the one you described. One way is to see a plane completely full. I chose to see a plane half empty. See? I’m an optimist. You chose to see a full plane. That is pessimism. You won’t get anywhere in life with that attitude. Trust me

-“First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes?”

-Yea, his name actually is Johnny Bravo. Don’t be hatin’ on him. And no, he doesn’t usually fly planes. He used to be a rodeo star, now he’s learning to fly planes on the job. You’d be surprised by how much riding a bull has to do with flying planes.

-“The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.”

-You really have an attitude problem, don’t you? Nowhere do we say that you’ll be served drinks. That you got anything is me being nice to you. And as you yourself have correctly noted, it’s too crowded to go through with a cart. This is more efficient, and gets the job done. Besides, being sticky in Coca Cola ain’t the worse thing. Imagine the pick up lines!

-“First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around,”

-Again, you gotta be optimistic. People throw themselves out of planes, go bungee jumping, go scuba diving, or go on roller coaster rides and waste so much money on it. You got the experience of zero g for only five dollars! Think of how great a story that’ll be! Plus now you know that you don’t like the taste of boot! Look at everything you’re learning about yourself! So some people puked. Think about it as extreme weight loss measures. Not everyone is as skinny as you are.

-“and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod.”

-Well, yea, I was wearing magnetic boots cause I knew that Johnny likes to play a little. You should’a been more prepared son! And yea, I don’t like you people getting too close.

-“Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!?”

-Jerk Airways engineering my friend!

-“The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms.”

-You’re just jealous you weren’t in my loving arms.

Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!””

-We got a schedule to maintain son! You got where you gotta be, so you better get your ass out of there!

-“Once more, I am not skinny!”

-Yes, you are

-“Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries”

-Well, you got where you need to be right? And besides, I saw your hospital report. You complain way too much you pessimist! All you had were some bruises! Others had broken bones man! Optimism my man, optimism!

-“I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

-You are welcome to go onto United Airlines, pay exorbitant prices, and deal with their wrestlers breaking your bones when they tell you that your seat has been sold to someone else. I hear that these days they throw you out the tail end of the plane onto the tarmac. And if you get lucky enough (or buy the exorbitant protection policy) to keep your seat. good luck with dealing with the ‘PR’ Officer onboard who will then threaten to kill you and your family if you ever say anything about the incident to anyone. We guarantee you’ll get where you need to be, for a cheap price. Nothing else. United does not give you anything cheap, nor do they guarantee you’ll get anywhere. Do you really think that United is any better? You’ll have the same broken bones, but you won’t be at your destination. Think about it, Sir Pessimist.

Thanks for flying with us!

Yours truly

The Cowboy of Jerk Airways

PS: I can definitely hook you up with some dates if you need them.

PPS: You didn’t tip Johnny Bravo. He was a little pissed.

 

Aggressive Business! A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards walked into the meeting room, at the top floor of Jerk Airways tower in downtown Dallas Texas. As always, he was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that had “We aren’t better, just way cheaper” written on it. The various corporate officers were already seated at the large table. As Jimmy sat down at the table, he said,

“Alright everybody, seems like this quarter went pretty well”

“Profits are good, customers aren’t complaining too much more than usual about the usual stuff, and we are slowly turning people away from American, United, and Delta”

“Hmm, any problems?” asked Jimmy.

“Well, we are doing well, but we aren’t that big at the moment. In order to get bigger, we’re gonna need to do more international routes without using other airlines, thus lowering the cost to our usual price of $5 and in general, we need more”

“How’s the investment side looking?”

“Well, we’ve managed to convince people that rather than pretend to be nice to the customer and charge ridiculous rates that just throwing them in the tin can and charging very little for it is the better way to fly. We’ve got enough investment for phase 2”

“Alrighty then! Time for phase 2 of Jerk Airways! Throw the investment in there, start getting aggressive! And remember, that cost has gotta stay low! So whatever you can think of! Anything! From passenger optimization, employee optimization, to route optimization, whatever you can think of! Time to put the heat on them other airlines! Aggressive business guys!”

1 Month Later, Newark Liberty International Airport

God I hate flying, thought Mike. Mike was waiting at the airport to go to Beijing for a routine business trip. HIs company had booked him on United Airlines for the afternoon flight. It was almost time to board. And it looked like United had once more overbooked its flight. A bored looking attendant stood at the desk, announcing the unfortunate news.

“So this flight is overbooked, so we will be asking for people to voluntarily give up their seats. We used to give vouchers for buying tickets with United, but since nobody really likes those, we’ll give you Pokemon Go! vouchers”

“Nobody plays Pokemon Go anymore!” shouted a passenger.

“That just isn’t true and you goddamned know it!” the attendant retorted angrily. “If no one takes those, then of course, these guys here will take care of the overbooking problem”.

The attendant gestured to two extremely muscular and tall men, dressed in United uniforms that barely contained the muscles, who both looked to be ex wrestlers.

“Hello, I’m Jawbreaker” said the one man.

“And I’m Skullcrusher” said the other man, “and we hope that you have a pleasant flight”.

Mike was fairly certain that Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher would probably say the exact same thing after ripping some poor passenger out of his seat and throwing him out onto the tarmac. These days, United instructed its wrestlers to not throw passengers out onto the gate, since there were too many witnesses there. The result was that the wrestlers would throw the passengers out onto the tarmac. Rumor had it that one passenger was actually throw in with the check in luggage. Mike shuddered, hoping that he wouldn’t have to deal with any such unpleasantries. His company usually bought the exorbitant ‘insurance policy’, otherwise known as protection money that ensured that United would not result to such tactics with him at least. But these days, United getting desperate, and even the ‘insurance policy’ wasn’t a guarantee.

“And when I say overbooked, I mean that 75% of coach class is actually gonna have to go” said the attendant.

“The fuck!? This is outrageous man! I thought we bought those goddamned seats!” screamed another passenger.

“Don’t make me come over there” said Jawbreaker, with a grin that seemed to say that he would relish going over to that passenger and breaking his jaw.

“Not in front of so many witnesses” said a man standing behind the two wrestlers. He was dressed in a trench coat, with a United uniform on underneath. Clearly, this KGB looking guy was the ‘PR officer’ for the flight.

“It not outrageous my friend! People be getting to destination! Don’t worry! Relax! If it isn’t you, you enjoy cute Pokemon on cellphone, yes?” said the PR officer.

Oh no, this is gonna get ugly, thought Mike. Why can’t we just get the seats we bought?

“Now why would any of you listen and deal with these jackasses?” rang out a new voice.

Everyone turned to see who the newcomer was. Their eyes were greeted by the sight of what could only be described as a cowboy standing on a stack of luggage, looking out at the crowd.

“Like seriously man, why the hell would you deal with people who’ve already told you that you probably ain’t gonna be getting where y’all need to be? First they rip y’all off by charging like a thousand dollars and they can’t even guarantee you a seat! And when they admit that they can’t give y’all that seat, what do y’all get? Y’all get goddamned Pokemon Go! vouchers! Like, not even App Store credit, or Xbox Live! credit, or Playstation Store credit, or god forbid, Steam Credit. No, it’s goddamned Pokemon Go! Who even plays Pokemon Go! anymore? Seriously!? Like you’ve gotta be some kind of freak to play that game now. So uncool man” he drawled.

HEY! I STILL PLAY THAT GAME!” screeched the attendant.

“Well, like I said, some kind of a freak, since only a freak would work for United Airlines and sell y’all this bullshit. Y’all realize that this is bullshit, right?” inquired the cowboy.

There were murmurs and nods of agreement (though not for the Pokemon Go statements). Mike, though an avid Pokemon Go player, found himself agreeing with the cowboy’s words.

“Who is this circus freak?” asked an exasperated attendant.

“Should I go and break his jaw?” asked Jawbreaker.

“I already tell you, there are too many witnesses. Let me find out where this son of bitch lives” said the now reddening PR officer.

“This circus freak” the cowboy said coyly, ” is here to give you a much better offer than Pokemon Go vouchers. All y’all gotta do is give me 5 dollars! Just 5 dollars! And we at Jerk Airways will get y’all to Beijing. Guaranteed! Y’all won’t be thrown out on the tarmac by Beavis and Butthead over there” he said while gesturing to the wrestlers.

“HEY! I’LL BREAK YOUR BONES AND USE YOUR SKULL FOR SOCCER!” bellowed Skullcrusher.

The PR Officer grabbed Skullcrusher by the collar of his uniform.

“How many times I tell you idiots not here! Too many witnesses!” screeched the PR officer.

“DON’T CALL ME AN IDIOT!” exploded Skullcrusher.

Skullcrusher then proceeded to peel off the PR Officer’s hand from his collar, pick the man up by his collar, and hurl him across the terminal. The PR Officer screeched

“WHY DID I TAKE THIS JOB!!???”

as he smashed into a magazine stand and land on the ground with piles of magazines covering him. Mike faintly heard the PR Officer say

“I should’ve stayed with KGB”

So they are ex KGB! thought Mike.

“ahahahah he called you an idiot!!! HAHAHAHAHA IDIOT SKULLCRUSHER!” Jawbreaker roared with laughter.

Skullcrusher’s face had turned bright red at this point. Skullcrusher stormed up to Jawbreaker, who was overcome with laughter at that point, then proceeded to punch Jawbreaker, sending him across the gate, forcing the attendant to duck. Jawbreaker smashed into a wall, putting a dent in it. Jawbreaker quickly got to his feet, with an expression that didn’t bode well for the gate or the airline.

“FIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTTTT!” screamed Jawbreaker.

With a war cry, Jawbreaker jumped across the gate, landing directly on Skullcrusher. The two were embroiled in a fight that rivaled even the worst WWE match. The flight attendant screamed for security.

“Ah well, I guess he’s the sensitive type’ drawled the cowboy as he gestured at the fighting wrestlers as a TSA guard flew over the crowd around the cowboy, evidently thrown by the wrestlers. “So, who’s with me? Just 5 dollars guys and y’all can get to Beijing, do whatever y’all need to”

Many passengers started lining up right there and then. Mike had heard of Jerk Airways before, and while he wasn’t super sure if this was the best option, witnessing the brawl between Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher, that had now lead to airport chairs being ripped out and used to batter one another and the poor security guards attempting to intervene, wasn’t making him feel any better about United.

“Yea, sign me up too” said Mike as he handed 5 dollars to the cowboy.

“Alrighty then partner! Let’s get rolling!” said the cowboy.

A large crowd had formed behind the cowboy as he lead them to what Mike presumed could only be the gate for the Jerk Airways flight to Beijing. As Mike looked around, he saw  that Jerk Airways was going to every gate and convincing people to fly Jerk Airways instead of the flight at the gate. Talk about aggressive marketing, thought Mike. I wonder how these Jerk Airways guys are gonna do this…

As always, like, subscribe, and share!

Jerk Airways: An Interview

“Ok, we are live in 3, 2, 1”

“Hello everyone and welcome back to our show. And now, we move on to an interesting segment about the airline industry. By now, most seasoned air travelers have heard of Jerk Airways, for various reasons. With me, I have CEO and co-founder of Jerk Airways, James ‘Jimmy’ Edwards to talk to us about Jerk Airways. Thanks for joining us tonight Jimmy”

“It’s good to be on Jake”

“So let’s start with some easy stuff. What’s the story of how Jerk Airways started?”

“Well that’s an interesting one actually. I was going with my buddy (and cofounder) Reese on an post graduation celebration trip to Darujhistan on United Airlines when we saw the most remarkable thing. So apparently the flight was overbooked, and no one wanted to get off, because apparently, Darujhistan was super popular that year as a destination for post college graduates. Something about massively discounted alcohol on sale, because it was getting banned next year or something. Anyhow, so what do airlines do when no one wants to get off? Well, they choose some guy at random, and they insisted it was random, and tell him or her nicely and cordially to get off the plane. So there were some complaints from the others but one dude absolutely refused. Apparently some girl had told him to come meet her there for a massively fun time. That was how he described it, I swear. And apparently, if he didn’t get there on time, some other lucky dude was gonna take his place. Now the first clue that this guy was somewhat nutty came to me when he said that he’d met this girl on the Internet. The second clue came with this description that I’ve just described to you. And then finally, his refusal to get off, right after that David Dao incident of the guy being dragged off the flight. So United seemed really fed up with controversies, so they really wanted to try something new this time. Apparently, two of the air stewards were former WWE wrestlers”

“Former WWE wrestlers?”

“Yes I’m not quite sure how they went from beating the shit out of colleagues to beating the shit out of air travelers. But in any case, you can see where this is going”

“I suppose?”

“Well anyhow, so they get the idea that they are going to handle this guy. So they come down, ask him if he’s going to leave or not. When he says no once more, by holding up his middle fingers, the first steward wrestler, who was known as The Terminator, literally rips the dude out of his seat, belt and everything, throws him down in front of the second wrestler steward, known as BoneSaw, who then punts the dude across the plane. Finally, The Terminator picks up the dude, literally throws him out the door into the boarding area while BoneSaw throws the belt at him for good measure.”

“Wait a minute. Why didn’t anyone complain about this!? Why wasn’t this in the news!? Why has nobody ever heard of this!?”

“Well see, apparently United had starting hiring PR people for each flight who actually sit on each flight. Most of these PR people were ex-KGB, Trump’s press secretaries, or something. Most of their PR experiences came from spinning Trump’s tweets, silencing the press, and other things. So this guy on this flight, who’s name was Boris Grishenko. Imagine an ex-KGB dude, wearing a United uniform underneath a trench coat. That’s this guy”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh no, it’s all true. See United never made these practices public, and they have techniques for keeping people quite, but they do indeed have it. Nowadays they discontinued it, since it doesn’t really work, and we’re giving them competition”

“Well, if you say so”

“Anyhow, so this guy tells us to give him all our cellphones ‘for security’ and then individually either bribes or threatens each passenger to silence them. See, at this point, I’m like, we pay so much for terrible seating, delays, and to top it off, terrible service, and it just doesn’t seem worth it. So we decided to solve one of those problems”

“The service one?”

“Oh god no. No one in the airline industry would ever do that. No, we went on to solve the ticket cost problem. That was my only goal.”

“And you do that by basically cutting back on everything any airline provides”

“Well now, you say that, but think about it. What do airlines give you? They can’t guarantee your seat. We can, because, we don’t have any seats. They give you terrible in flight food and pretend it’s good. We don’t even give you water. They limit what you can take onboard, claiming that there’s not enough storage space. We let you take anything, cause there is no storage space. Plus you’ll get to where you need to be for only $5.”

“But how do people manage without any seats, food, water, or storage?”

“It’s easy enough. If you ain’t gonna get it, you ain’t gonna expect it. We guarantee only one thing: that you’ll get where you need to be.”

“And what about reports of using cattle prods to handle passengers?”

“Well it get’s a little crowded sometimes”

“I think a little crowded is an understatement”

“Well semantics and perspective. Some people see a little crowded. Others see a pig pen. Anyhow, so sometimes it’s a little crowded in the main pen, er cabin”

“You mean the only cabin”

“Right, so sometimes we need to finesse the passengers around a little”

“By using electric prods?”

“Well it gets the message across, don’t it?”

“I mean these are people”

“Yea, a little bit of electricity is only gonna wake ’em up before they get where they gotta be”

“You seem to have an interesting perspective on all of this”

“Well, sure. How else can you guarantee $5 tickets and the destination without making some sacrifices?”

“Does that include hiring former rodeo stars and fired stunt drivers for pilots?”

“Well, you gotta cost cut somewhere, and it’s way easier to get these guys, train ’em to be pilots, instead of getting actual pilots”

“By having people fly the plane the way they ride a bull?”

“Well it’s sort of fun if you view it a certain way, right?”

“What about the passengers that come out with broken bones from these flights?”

“Well, we never guaranteed how they’d get there, did we? Just that they would.”

“I see. Well. this seems to be getting nowhere. Thanks for coming on…I think”

“Thanks for having me!”