Take Back The Market! (The Thug Wars) A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards seemed to be relaxing a bit. Ever since the passenger kidnapping had been solved, he seemed to feel as if things were somewhat under his control again. At least, somewhat.

“Alright guys, so we’ve got to get back our market share again. Thug Airways is still cheaper than us, so even though they aren’t literally abducting passengers, we still need to convince those guys to fly Jerk. Any ideas?”

The room was silent. After a couple of minutes, the CTO spoke up.

“I have an idea that could potentially make us seem more attractive…”

Charles de Gaulle International Airport, Paris, France

The Jerk Airways departure gate had changed quite a bit since they first started the airline. Gone were the simple, normal, boring departure gates. Now, North Korean secret policemen patrolled the gate, frisking people, and on the lookout for any Thug Airways kidnappers. As usual, the infamous cowboy of Jerk Airways stood at the ready to begin boarding. One of the herders standing next to him seemed unusually nervous.

“We gonna be herdin’ them passengers or what?” said the herder.

The cowboy bared his teeth in a nefarious smile.

“Oh no boy. We tryin’ somethin’ different this time” he drawled.

The cowboy hopped up onto the ticketing desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alright y’all! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Philadelphia! Some of y’all know how boarding works here, some of y’all don’t. It don’t really matter, cause we’re changing things up a bit” drawled the cowboy.

“Are you boarding by groups!?” yelled a passenger.

“Whatever gave you that idea? We don’t do things like that here at Jerk Airways.” responded the cowboy.

“Then what are these!?” yelled the passenger while gesturing to his boarding pass.

The boarding pass did indeed have a group ID written on it.

“Oh we just got bored and wrote down some random stuff” replied the cowboy.

The boarding pass group ID for the passenger read:

PARTICULARLY DUMB FUCKER

While another one read:

GENERIC FUCKER

and yet another read:

CUTE

“Well anyhow, as I was saying, so we’re gonna do things differently this time! Inside the flight! There are exactly 5 seats! None of y’all are assigned those seats! Whoever can get them and hold on to them will have those seats for the flight! They even have seat belts and can recline as well! So first one’s to get ’em gets a good flight!” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers simply stared at him. Perhaps they were dumbfounded by the lunacy of what they had just heard. Perhaps they were so unused to the notion of seating that they couldn’t believe their ears.

“What the fuck are y’all staring at me for!? Didn’t y’all just hear me!? Get your asses in their as fast as y’all can and get them seats!” yelled the cowboy.

The passengers suddenly surged forward in a frenzy towards the gate. People pushed one another, kicked, and sprinted, in a stampede to get the much desired seats. At that moment, another herder whipped out a trumpet and began playing a tune:

At the same time, the cowboy yelled:

“GIDDYUP EVERYBODY! COME ON COME ON COME ON! RUN LIKE THE WIND! GET YOUR ASSES GOIN’! LET’S SEE SOME FIRE COMIN’ OUT THEM ASSHOLES!”

As the passengers surged inwards, the first few raced towards the seat. One laid his hands on the seat and was ripped away by another passenger and thrown to the back of the plane. That man tried to then seat himself only to be punched and knocked out cold by a woman who seemed to resemble Nicki Minaj. Another passenger literally jumped and sailed through the air a good 10 feet and landed on one of the seats, kicked others off of the seat, while attempting to claim the seat as his.

During the chaos and fighting ensuing around the seats, a North Korean secret police officer was furiously taking notes, probably to be used later and implemented in North Korea.

“Hmm, alright, is everybody on board?” asked the cowboy.

“Seems like it” said one of the herders.

“And look at that! Not only do they get seats, we didn’t even need to waste money on herding too much! They did it themselves!” retorted the cowboy.

“Most interesting” said a secret police officer while scratching his head.

“Alright boys! Let’s get this show in the air!” drawled the cowboy.

Once the last of the herders had boarded the flight, in typical Jerk Airways fashion, the flight began its usual operation.

“Alrighty, y’all ready to go?” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers were still too busy fighting for the seat.

“Well, looks like they aren’t, but we’re gonna go anyways” said the cowboy. “Johnny! You’re cleared for take off!”

Johnny Bravo, perhaps the second most infamous character of Jerk Airways, took the flight to the air, at which point he began his barrel rolls. The passengers not already belted into the seats flew around the flight. One passenger, who had not belted into his seat, tried to hang on but eventually lost his grip and hit another passenger like a ball in a pinball machine. One man, who looked oddly similar to Brad Pitt, managed to latch on to a seat with a passenger already belted in. He then proceeded to unbuckle the belt (while fending off the seated man’s punches) and rip the man out of his seat and sent him flying. He then took his seat and belted in.

The cowboy decided to make things a bit more interesting. He walked in, with his magnetic boots on and baseball bat in hand, and spotted a man launching himself towards an empty seat. The cowboy took his bat, took aim, and sent the man flying back towards where he came. The cowboy whooped:

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!”

The flight proceeded more or less as usual (as usual for Jerk Airways that is). Despite all the fighting, some passengers seemed convinced that flying Jerk Airways was somewhat better than Thug Airways. At least they had the hope of a seat.

 

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The Thug Wars: A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards was in a bad mood lately. Ever since Thug Airways challenged Jerk Airways with even cheaper tickets and had started quite literally abducting passengers from Jerk Airways gates, Jerk Airways profits and share prices had fallen steadily. The news media had already found a name for this story: the Thug Wars.

“Well boys, it’s do or die, and I ain’t ready to die. What are our options?” said Jimmy.

“Lowering prices would be tougher. It means we’d actually have to optimize even further, and I’m not sure we can actually treat our customers any worse at this point” replies the CFO.

The room remains silent.

“Surely there’s something more we can do!?” lambasts Jimmy.

“Uhm, Jimmy? Might I give a suggestion?” drawls the infamous cowboy.

“Well out with it then!” growls Jimmy.

“We can’t solve all our problems at once, so we gotta do this one at a time. First thing’s first, we gotta actually make sure the passengers who are going on Jerk Airways actually go with Jerk Airways, and to do that I’ve gotta proposition for y’all. I’ve got a really good friend actually who could help us…”

Stockholm, Sweden

The Thug Wars had greatly changed Jerk Airways. The herders of Jerk Airways, trained to herd the herds of passengers, were not well trained for stopping thugs intent on kidnapping passengers. The herders set up barricades on the gate for Jerk Airways flights, but usually were unable to stop the thugs, who with their itching powder and laughing gas made quick work of the herders. Until today, that is.

As usual, the hero, or villain, depending on your perspective, of Jerk Airways, the cowboy, jumped up onto the ticketing desk. He scanned the crowd, trying to spot any potential thugs. The passengers all looked resigned, as if they had accepted their fate of being less than human for whichever airline they flew. The thugs had gotten better at disguising themselves, but were still fairly easy to pick out. Today, it seemed, the thugs had decided to disguise themselves as ballerina dancers. Of course, since none of them ever thought about shaving anything, their facial hair and hairy legs gave them away. One of them winked at the cowboy as his gaze went over the ballerina thug.

He thinks he’s a pretty ballerina…thought the cowboy.

“Alrighty y’all! We’re gonna get this show on the road! So, as per usual…” started the cowboy.

“HERE’S THE MOTHERLOAD BOYS! GRAB ‘EM AND TAKE ‘EM BACK!” yelled a ballerina thug.

Hoo boy, you ain’t got no idea what’s coming thought the cowboy in his thick Texan accent.

The leader ballerina thug started to make a grab for a passenger. The passenger was acting like everyone else, resigned to being treated like cattle, stolen away by other airlines, but content in the fact that he had only paid 5 dollars for this and not the absurd United Airlines prices. This passenger was dressed in a black suit, and even though it wasn’t dark inside, was wearing Men in Black style sunglasses. As the thug lunged at the passenger, the passenger suddenly reacted. He ducked the lunge, then roundhouse kicked the ballerina thug, sending him sprawling across the gate. The passenger then pulled a Super Soaker water gun out of his coat.

“FOR THE GLORY OF KIM JONG UN! STOP THESE FAKE CAPITALIST BALLERINAS! FOR THE DPRK!” roared the passenger.

“THE FUCK!??” yelled another ballerina thug in alarm while attempting to abscond with another passenger.

Suddenly, similarly dressed passengers all started pulling out Super Soaker water guns and with the same war cry, converged on the thugs. These were no ordinary passengers. These were Kim Jong Un’s secret police.

“IT’S THE FUCKIN’ SECRET POPO! THE WORST KIND!” screamed a ballerina thug.

“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM! IT’LL WORK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TOO!” roared the lead ballerina thug while he got up from the ground.

A ballerina thug spotted an incoming DPRK secret policeman. He pulled out itch bombs out of his skirt and threw one square at the secret policeman. The secret policeman kept on coming.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??” yelled the frightened ballerina thug.

“You capitalist scum throw itching powder at me!? I bathe in uranium! Your itching powder is nothing! I will make you my bitch, capitalist pig!” replied the grinning secret policeman.

“GET THE FUCK BACK! OH SHIT!” screamed the mortified ballerina thug while throwing his assorted bombs.

The secret policeman only laughed as the laughing gas hit his nostrils It did not stop him. The ballerina thug turned to run as he ran out of things to throw. The secret policeman took a rock steady aim at the thug, despite laughing, and fired a squirt from his Super Soaker. The liquid hit right on target on the soles of the ballerina thug’s feet. As the ballerina thug’s feet hit the ground, he couldn’t move.

“I CAN’T MOVE! THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!?????” howled the thug in horror.

The ballerina thug realized that the Super Soakers were loaded with some sort of quick cement. Suddenly the cowboy jumped in front of the stuck ballerina thug.

“IT’S CALLED PAYBACK MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy. “ALRIGHT BOYS! LET’S HEARD THIS SON OF A BITCH!”

The herders, who were already herding the stunned passengers into the flight, converged on the thug, lifted him out of his ridiculous pump heels and carried him away into the flight, while one herder prodded him with a cattle prod, for good measure.

All around, similar scenes were repeating themselves. All but one of the ballerina thugs were being taken away into the flight. The lead ballerina thug, seeing that the situation had turned against him, attempted to run away quietly. Suddenly, a DPRK secret policeman materialized in front of him.

“Where do you think you’re going, capitalist scum? We’re secret policeman! We’re everywhere and nowhere at once! You cannot escape us! Face it! You’re fucked! You will get owned by us!” snapped the secret policeman.

“OH SHIT!!!” yelled the ballerina thug in alarm.

As he attempted to run, the secret policeman round house kicked him again and sent the ballerina thug flying. As he flew threw the air, the cowboy jumped in his path, pulled out his baseball bat, and gave a good hit.

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.

The ballerina thug was sent flying back to the secret policeman. The secret policeman laced the ballerina thug in quick cement with shots from his Super Soaker and stepped out of the way of the ballerina thug’s landing area. The cowboy and the secret policeman walked up to the ballerina thug, who was now lying glued to the ground.

“How did you…” started the ballerina thug.

“We’re Jerk Airways son! We got friends in powerful places!” snapped the cowboy as he gestured to the secret policeman.

The cowboy smiled at the memory of visiting North Korea, remembering his pride at seeing Jerk Airways techniques in use for all aircraft in North Korea, remembering his meeting with Kim Jong Un, and how Kim Jong Un had said

“You’re a friend in need! Kim Jong Un will nuke your enemies! Assume your problems are gone my friend!”

“Now we’re gonna leave you here for the TSA and for that jackass, Johnny Capone. Let him know that Jerk Airways will not tolerate more of your bullshit. Have a nice day!” said the cowboy as he tipped his hat.

The cowboy returned to the flight, with the secret policemen where the herders had the captured ballerina thugs.

“What are you gonna do with us!?” wailed a ballerina thug.

“You’re the motherfuckers who came here dressed to dance right!?” snapped the cowboy.

The cowboy looked to the pilot’s cabin.

“Hey Johnny!” yelled the cowboy.

“Yea?” asked Johnny Bravo, who had returned to piloting aircraft after not liking corporate life.

“Hit me with some music!”

The song Cotton Eye Joe started playing.

“Y’all here are gonna be the entertainment for the poor passengers y’all tried to abduct. Y’all are the dancers. The herders and I are the fucking dance masters, DJs, etc. Alright boys, let’s get to it!” said the cowboy.

The herders jumped up and started using their whips and cattle prods on the ballerina thugs while the cowboy screamed

“DANCE MOTHERFUCKERS! DANCE!”

The passengers cheered while the ballerina thugs danced and did the Cotton Eye Joe. Different dance styles were tried at the behest of cattle prods and whips. All in all, it was a new dawn for Jerk Airways. Perhaps they could fend off these Thugs after all.

Thug Airways: A Tale of Jerk Airways

(We’re back this week, with an exciting new direction!)

JFK International Airport, New York

It was just another day. The cowboy was at it again, getting passengers ready for herding into a flight to London. The herders were getting ready with their cattle prods and whips. The cowboy was eyeing guys and girls who looked cute. Unfortunately for him, there weren’t many of interest to him on this flight

Jeez, this is gonna be a boring flight, thought the cowboy. The cowboy hopped up onto the desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alrighty folks! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to London! Y’all ready to get this started?” drawled the cowboy.

The cowboy was somewhat distracted by a group of 7 strangely dressed people. And, let’s fair, if someone who dresses like a cowboy finds someone else strangely dressed, they must’ve been strangely dressed. The group of 7 were all dressed like various gangsters from around the world. Chinese Triads, drug cartel thugs, Yakuza, Indian coal mafia thugs, American gangsters, highway robbers, and more all were represented. They seemed to be walking towards the Jerk Airways gate.

Maybe they’re cosplayers thought the cowboy. Then, the cowboy realized he knew one of the thugs. Johnny Capone, the intrepid lawyer who had represented Jerk Airways in the recent lawsuit, was leading the group, dressed in his usual gold chains, aviator glasses, torn jeans, and leather jacket. The cowboy was about to call out to him when something even stranger happened. The group of thugs fanned out into the crowd of passengers. Johnny Capone, in his thick Bronx accent, then yelled:

“THE MOTHERLOAD OF PASSENGERS BOUND TO LONDON! GRAB THESE FUCKERS AND RUN WITH THEM! AS MANY AS YOU CAN FOR THUG FLIGHT TO LONDON!”

The thugs then started randomly grabbing passengers and running with them while snapping at the passengers “Keep your mouth shut if you wanna live!”.

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL THINK YOUR DOING!? THOSE ARE OUR GODDAMN PASSENGERS TO MISTREAT!” yelled the cowboy.

“IT’S JUST BUSINESS MAN!” replied Capone.

“HERDERS! IN THE NAME OF JERK AIRWAYS! DEFEND US!” roared the cowboy.

The herders started running after the thugs who were absconding away with passengers. They can’t stand up to the cattle prods and whips now can they thought the cowboy as he smirked at the thought. But Capone had other plans.

“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM!” yelled Capone.

The thugs started throwing things that exploded on impact and released either powder or gas. The gas turned out to be laughing gas, putting some herders into a laughing frenzy while the powder sent herders into a scratching frenzy.

“HOLY FUCKIN’ SHIT!” yelled the cowboy.

He pulled out his baseball bat just as Capone threw an itch bomb right at the cowboy. The cowboy smacked the ball with his bat, sending it sailing right back at Capone, exploding all over his face, leaving Capone in a scratching frenzy while he ran.

‘HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.

The passengers dragged away by the thugs were then taken to another gate and told that either they pay $4 and get to their destination or be dragged off to some mafia warehouse never to be seen again. They signed their agreement, and just before they boarded, were told that they nothing was allowed onboard the flight.

“It’s for your security” said a thug.

Bags, jewelry, clothes, were all taken, never to be seen again. The passengers were given paper gowns in return.

“What is this?” asked a confused passenger.

“Thug Airways son!” retorted a mobster.

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

The TV was tuned in to CNN.

“Welcome back ladies and gentleman, I’m your host, Jake Tapper, and I’d like to bring you a special segment on the airline industry once again. Just a year ago, the airline industry experience a revolution, more like a Dark Age actually, with the introduction of Jerk Airways. Jerk Airways challenged all airlines with one simple proposition: their tickets cost only $5. They promise you’ll get where you need to be, on time, and that you won’t lose your booking, unlike United Airlines, who is now employing wrestlers and ex KGB officers to enforce their iron will onboard. What’s the catch? That’s all Jerk Airways promises. As many of you know, Jerk Airways literally herds its passengers using cattle prods and whips into the plane, where there are no seats and people are literally packed into the plane like sardines in a can. The pilots are ex rodeo stars and stunt drivers, known for insane flying antics. So passengers usually get off of Jerk Airways with broken bones among other things.

“You may remember hearing about Jerk Airways in the news a couple weeks ago when someone sued Jerk Airways for their passenger treatment. The plaintiff lost the case, and Jerk Airways is continuing its passenger treatment. You’d think that Jerk Airways has thought of every way of mistreating passengers to cut costs. That isn’t true anymore. Hard to believe right?

“Most of the other airlines are already suffering pretty badly, since they just can’t keep up, but now, Jerk Airways has a legitimate challenger: Thug Airways. Thug Airways was founded by ex crime boss Pablo Torrio Escobar, mafia boss Johnny Capone, and ex coal mafia boss Sardar Khan as a global mafia conglomerate airline. What are their principles you wonder? Well their tickets cost only $4. And they take things to the next level with passenger mistreatment. Jerk Airways was known for going to other airline departure gates and hawking their tickets to those poor passengers. These guys literally kidnap people from gates and force them to go onboard their flights, then proceed to strip passengers of literally everything on them, and only give them a paper gown in return, all in the name of security. And onboard the flight, they are once more forced onboard literally like sardines in a can. The pilots for these aircraft tend to be mafia getaway drivers of various types from around the world. They are giving Jerk Airways a run for their money”

“The run for money part is true. Our profits are taking a bit of a hit” said Johnny Bravo.

“GODDAMIT” roared James “Jimmy” Edwards.

“This is going to be vexing…” said the CFO as she scratched her head.

 

Jerk Airways Goes to Court: Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways Part 2

Find Part 1 here!

Mike Anderson and Johnny Capone sat in Judge Jonathan Mark’s personal office, where the short, portly man continued to pace back and forth as he talked on the phone.

“No no sir, I will not enter that court room until you send me a full bodyguard detachment from the military! I value my life far too much to go in their unprotected! And my aide will also require an escort! His duties of fetching food and coffee are paramount to the function of this court! Thank you! Thank you!” said Marks with his rather fake sounding British accent.

He put down his phone, took a seat at his desk. Anderson looked extremely nervous while Capone looked bored, with his feet on the desk.

“Oh dear lord, now where to begin with the two of you” sighed Marks.

“I would like to point out that this was a minor incident that-” started Anderson.

“Minor incident!? You punched a lawyer, in particular, Johnny Capone, in the middle of a court case!!! What does it take for it to become major!?” squealed Judge Marks.

“Well for once we’s agreeing on somethin'” said Capone with his heavy Bronx accent. “This wasn’t too big a deal. He did start it tho Judge”

“Look now to be fair Johnny, you did kind of push Anderson. But I’ll concede. Anderson! Apologize to him!” said Judge Marks.

“Why!? He started it!” snapped Anderson.

Before Judge Marks could say something, Capone interrupted.

“It’s ok Judge. It was a good brawl anyways. He threw some good punches, and I threw some good ones too. My boys get a bit nervous when someone has the balls to punch their boss. They won’t barge in next time. It’s all good.”

“Well it’s good to know that you aren’t angry, Johnny my boy!” beamed Judge Marks.

Anderson scowled but said nothing.

“Right, now that that’s settled, let’s get this case finished, shall we?”

Some time later, they were all once more settled into the courtroom. The ceiling had a new design created by the bullets fired into it from last weeks altercation. The bailiff, who had taken the majority of the punches from Anderson and Capone, had healed up fairly well from the physical injuries he’d received. His soul, however, seemed to not have faired as well. More and more he looked like he was becoming a ghost. The aide scurried into the courtroom with seemingly unlimited boxes of doughnuts. His bodyguard, a US Army Ranger, seemed a bit breathless.

“Jesus can that kid run!” breathed the Ranger.

“Well now that we are all settled in, injuries repaired, and my new US Army Ranger bodyguards are here,” he gestured to the two Rangers standing on either side of him, ” we can now start! Right, so where were we? Right, Anderson, any more witnesses?” said Judge Marks.

“I had one more your honor, but I don’t see him here…” trailed Anderson.

Capone looked smug.

“You wouldn’t happen to know what happened to him, would you Capone?” Anderson asked suspiciously.

“Actually I know what happened to him, you jackasses!” snapped the bailiff.

Everyone was stunned, including Judge Marks.

“Uh dear bailiff, are you feeling ok?” asked Judge Marks.

“As good as I’ll ever feel, smart-asses, If no one else is gonna follow protocol, why the fuck should I?” said an exasperated bailiff. “That witness decided that this joke of a case isn’t worth his life, so he ran off. That smug asshole Capone didn’t do anything. He just took one of his goon’s offer and is now chilling somewhere in one of Capone’s dens”

The bailiff had given up on everything it seemed. He called the aide over, took out a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards, and started playing a game with the aide in a corner of the courtroom.

“Right, well I guess not in that case” said Anderson.

“Oh good! We can move on then! Johnny! Your first witness!” said Judge Marks.

“Cowboy! Get up there!” said Capone.

The infamous Jerk Airways cowboy got up and walked over to the witness stand.

“Are you actually a cowboy?” asked Judge Marks.

“Welll” drawled the cowboy. “I guess I’m more like an aerial cowboy. A bit more modern, cause I do herd creatures that are like cows, but it’s a bit different now. I still got my revolver though!”

“Ohhhh that’s most fascinating! We must talk more good sir!” said Judge Marks.

“AHEM!” snapped Anderson.

“Oh fine you killjoy, we’ll move on!” snapped Judge Marks.

He first proceeded to finish off another doughnut.

“Swear him in bailiff!” ordered Judge Marks.

“Fuck you!” replied the bailiff without even looking away from his game.

“Oh some people are so incapable of dealing with a slightly different procedure! Fine then! He won’t be sworn in!” snapped Judge Marks.

Capone walked over to the cowboy.

“Ok then cowboy, tell these assholes in the court what you think about this case” said Capone.

“I think it’s complete bullshit! Jason Reynolds just bitches way too much. I try to be nice to these guys and this is what we get. A court case!” drawled the cowboy.

“That’s all I want to ask” said Capone.

“That’s it!?” yelled Anderson.

Capone simple shrugged as he sat back down.

“OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!” roared Anderson.

“Oh here we go again” said an exasperated Judge Marks.

“THE BAILIFF MIGHT’VE GIVEN UP BUT I HAVEN’T!” exploded Anderson.

“You’ll realize the truth sooner or later” said the bailiff while he drew another card.

“THAT WASN’T EVEN A TESTIMONY! IT WAS JUST OPINION!” snapped Anderson.

Anderson began breathing heavily like a horse after a hard run.

“I’m telling ya, he’s part horse!” stated the cowboy.

Capone chuckled.

“Part jackass more like!” said Capone.

“BET!” yelled the cowboy.

“How much!” asked Capone gleefully.

“50 bucks!” drawled the cowboy.

“Your on!” responded Capone.

“Well, if that’s all he has to say, that’s all he has to say!” squealed Judge Marks. “Overruled! You can ask him more questions if you want now!”

Anderson got up and walked over to the cowboy. The cowboy wasn’t paying him much attention.

“Could you please state your name for the record?” asked Anderson.

The cowboy seemed to not hear him. He seemed to be looking for someone in the jury.

“Could you please state your name for the record?” repeated Anderson.

The cowboy still didn’t hear him, nor did he look at him.

“HEY!” yelled Anderson. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

The cowboy lethargically looked at Anderson.

“Why? You ain’t cute to look it, and you’re bein’ a pain” retorted the cowboy.

Anderson looked dumbfounded. Capone roared with laughter. A juror snickered. The bailiff and the aide continued to play Magic.

“Not cute!?” howled Anderson. “That’s all you have to say!?”

“Now now, no need to feel bad. I tell this to all the guys and gals I meet that I don’t think are cute. There’s someone out there for ya! I promise! And ya know what? I can probably hook you up, for a small fee of course” drawled the cowboy.

“This isn’t about my love life dammit! I’m asking you a question!” snapped Anderson.

“Nah you just tellin’ yourself that, but it’s all about love son! Love is all you need! And speaking of love, that there juror, hoo boy is she cute!” whooped the cowboy as he pointed at one of the jurors.

The juror in question blushed.

“Oh you’re too kind!” said the juror.

“Oh this is so cute! I must record this for my YouTube channel!” squealed Judge Marks.

“You’re here to answer my questions!” snapped Anderson.

“No no no, that cute girl there gets priority. See that’s how I work! Cuteness is always prioritized. Don’t be jealous that you ain’t as cute as that girl there!” responded the cowboy.

Capone had fallen out of his chair laughing. One of the Rangers was also chuckling at this point.

“Judge! He must be held in contempt of court!” yelled Anderson.

“The only thing he’s in contempt of is you, Anderson” replied Judge Marks, all the while filming with his iPhone.

“Bailiff! Arrest him!” yelled Anderson.

“You know buddy, you should give up. It’s hopeless! Come on Anderson, we’re playing EDH, we’ve got room for another player! You can borrow my deck if you want!” said the bailiff.

“Can I join?” yelled another juror.

Anderson turned around and stared at the juror as if he might just strangle her if she said another word. The rest of the jury turned to stare at her too.

“What? It’s not as if this trial is going anywhere” said the juror.

“Come on over” said the bailiff.

“Ok” said Anderson, trying to calm himself down, ” let’s try something different. You said that you always prioritize cuteness. Is that how you work on a Jerk Airways flight?”

“Call me!” said the cowboy in a whisper as he gestured to the juror he thought was cute.

He then turned to Anderson.

“Yes sir that is how I work!” stated the cowboy triumphantly.

“So you admit that you discriminate” said Anderson smugly.

“Now I do not discriminate! I prioritize cute men and women! Here, for example, that bailiff is cuter than you Anderson. So don’t be jealous” replied the cowboy.

This time the bailiff did look up in shock.

“Well, I never considered myself handsome…” started the bailiff.

“Well now you know my man! All ya need is some confidence! You can do wonders!” the cowboy winked at the bailiff.

“You sir are an example for us all!” said Judge Marks.

“Why thank you good sir!” replied the cowboy.

“You haven’t answered my question!” snapped Anderson.

“Well before I answer your question, let me ask you one, are you part horse or part jackass?” asked the cowboy.

“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” roared Anderson.

“Hey! You don’t talk to my witness like that!” snapped Capone as he jumped up from his chair.

“Anderson, you really must calm down” said Judge Marks.

“Look now Anderson, you definitely ain’t cute when you’re angry. Some guys are, but you just look like a pile of horseshit” said the cowboy.

Capone roared with laughter. A US Army Ranger dropped his rifle since he was laughing so hard. Anderson then tried to punch the cowboy. The cowboy ducked his blow, then yelled:

“ALRIGHT BOYS! IT’S HERDING TIME!”

A Jerk Airways attendant jumped up from the defendant’s table with a whip and a cattle prod and started his usual routine.

“GIDDYUP BOY! COME ON!” whooped the attendant.

“STOP THAT!” yelled Anderson as he backed away.

The attendant chased Anderson around the courtroom.

“So, now that anger management here is taken care of, now I’d like to tell you something Judge Marks. That is why we use cattle prods and whips. Because there’s rules we got, like you Judge Marks, and people don’t follow them rules even though they know about them” drawled the cowboy.

“GIDDYUP!” yelled the attendant.

Anderson roared and started panting again.

“See? He’s part jackass, I told you!” said Capone.

“Well, he could be part jackass and part horse too!” replied the cowboy.

“But what about your pilots?” asked a genuinely curious Judge Marks. “They’re stunt drivers, rodeo stars, how does that work?”

As the attendant continued chasing Anderson around the room, the cowboy continued.

“Well Judge, you’ve cut back on some things in the process to make things go quicker in this court, right?” asked the cowboy.

“Certainly! Otherwise it takes years to get a date at a court! We pride ourselves on expediency! Other courts take years! We take days!” said Judge Marks

“We’re the same way! We cut some things so that we can get the $5 ticket price! Besides, we say it straight up, we only say you’ll get where you need to for only $5! Never said how, never said in what condition! It’s all just business!” drawled the cowboy.

Anderson continued yelling while being chased by the fanatic attendant. The Rangers were now taking bets on who would tire first, the attendant chasing Anderson, or Anderson.

“Hmm, well I see. You sir, I must speak more with! Perhaps tomorrow over tea and doughnuts? Along with Johnny? Oh and yes, I pronounce you not guilty!”

“I’m good! How about you Capone?” drawled the cowboy.

“Yea I don’t think the mob’s got any hits scheduled tomorrow. Should be fine” replied Capone.

“This session is adjourned! And as I was saying…” said Judge Marks.

“YES! I DID IT!” roared the bailiff.

“What?” asked Judge Marks.

“I beat this aide after losing all my games! Take that you inhumanly fast creature!” roared the bailiff.

The cowboy ambled over to the juror he had set his eyes on and started chatting with her. Capone then walked over to the Magic game in progress and started to inquire if he could add these games to his gambling dens. Judge Marks continued munching on doughnuts. Anderson, who had been running nonstop, finally collapsed after being prodded and poked by the attendant multiple times.

“HOO YEA BUDDY! I AIN’T DONE THIS KINDA RUN EVER!” whooped the attendant.

“HA! Told you Anderson would be the first to fall!” yelled a Ranger triumphantly.

Check back next Sunday for another episode of Jerk Airways!

Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways (Part 1): A Tale of Jerk Airways

(A Fourth of July Multipart Special!)

“All rise for the honorable Judge Jonathan Marks”

The judge looked to be anything other than honorable as he walked in casually, his judge robes barely hanging on to his copious frame, while he munched on a croissant sandwich.

“Yes, yes, sit everyone. Good God, you people won’t let me eat my sandwich with your formalities” he muttered.

Even his voice sounded like a cheap, squeaky, knock-off of a British accent. Despite his appearance, Judge Marks was actually quite interested in hearing this case. This was bound to be interesting, from what he already knew about the parties involved.

“Alright, what have we got here? The case of Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways. Hmm. I feel like I’m going to quite enjoy this. Is the jury ready? Would they like anything? Some coffee, tea perhaps? I usually like a glass of whisky before one of these cases. It really gets the blood flowing.”

The bailiff simply stared back at him with his mouth hanging open. This judge was rather unorthodox.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Ok, so let’s skip past the boring stuff, we know that Jason Reynolds has filed suit against Jerk Airways, for the following reasons, and I quote, ‘Jerk Airways is illegal, due to the way literally everything is run’, is that correct plaintiff?”

Jason Reynold’s lawyer, Mike Anderson, stood up.

“Yes your honor, that is correct”

“Oh good! I wouldn’t want to deal with that not being the case! Alright, and now for the defendant, Jerk Airways. What have you got to say for yourselves? Any pleadings?”

In classic Jerk Airways style, the lawyer representing Jerk Airways was quite the man. The lawyer looked to be anything but a lawyer. Dressed in faded jeans and a leather jacket with large gold chains adorning his muscular frame, he looked to be more of a mobster rather than a lawyer. He rose.

“I don’t think we did anything your honor” he said in a thick New York Bronx accent.

The judge was very interested now.

“Good sir, your name is…”

“Full name’s Johnathan Capone. You can call me Johnny though”

“Ah yes, Mr. Capone, sorry, Johnny, are you new to law?”

“I’m not new to the law. I know it pretty well actually. I’ve broken enough laws to know it pretty well. Usually I’m sitting there where the defendant is. I’ve been defended so many times that I’ve learned a thing or two about defense. I decided that I could cut some costs on my own operations if I started representing myself as a defense lawyer, cause I don’t gotta threaten some guy or keep some slime ball on my payroll. Plus I can make some money on the side too. This is my first time representin’ somebody though”

The bailiff was aghast. He couldn’t believe what Jerk Airways was doing.

“Wait a minute! Are you saying that Jerk Airways hired a criminal, gangster, mobster to be a lawyer?” asked a mortified bailiff.

“Yeah. How better to defend yourself from the law than use a guy like me, eh?” retorted Capone with a smirk.

“I share my bailiff’s curiosity. This is quite interesting. Any relation to Alphonse Capone?” asked Judge Marks, who seemed increasingly oblivious to the fact that the feared mobster, Johnny Capone, was today here in the role of a lawyer.

“Yea he was my grand dad. Pappa Al we used to call him”

“I would certainly love to hear more from you sir! Perhaps after the case, over tea? Are the stories about Al Capone true? Oh, oh, how accurate do you think Boardwalk Empire was?”

Judge Marks was clearly more interested in hearing Capone’s stories rather than the case. Before Capone could respond, Anderson rose.

“Your honor, perhaps we should begin the case? I’m sure there’s plenty of time afterwards for listening to Capone’s life story, perhaps in his own court case”

Judge Marks seemed offended.

“How rude of you!” he said.

Capone turned to Anderson.

“Hey wise guy, can’t youse see that we’re havin’ a chat here? You shouldn’t interrupt. It’s bad manners” said Capone.

“We aren’t here to chat about your life. We’re here to argue a case”

“Alright, let’s argue, with my boot up your ass, wise guy” growled Capone.

Judge Marks banged his gavel.

“Quite everyone! Alright, alright, we’ll start the case! God. Can’t even have a decent conversation these days.”

Judge Marks beckoned one of his aides to come closer.

“Run to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts, get 2 boxes of assorted donuts from them. Oh, would anyone else like anything? Johnny, perhaps you’d like to try some croissant sandwiches?”

“Nah I’m good your honor. I just had breakfast” said Capone.

“Oh, all good then. Anyone else? Jury?” asked Judge Marks.

“Could I get an everything bagel with cream cheese?” yelled a man from the jury.

Everyone stared at the man. The bailiff looked as if he might just strangle the man on the spot.

“What? I’m hungry, and he’s asking” said the juror.

“Oh don’t worry yourself, that’s why I asked good sir! How about you Anderson? It’ll do your uptight self some good” asked Judge Marks.

The bailiff looked as if he might faint any minute.

“I’d rather we start, if it’s all good with you judge” said Anderson.

“Oh you’re hopeless, aren’t you? Oh alright, have it your way, you ninny noggins! Off you go then! And don’t be late or I’ll hold you in contempt of court! Your opening remarks then, Anderson”

Mike Anderson got up as the aide scurried away to go buy the food from Dunkin’ Donuts. He straightened his tie, and with a smug look on his face, walked up to face the judge and the jury.

“Your honor, may it please the court. Does an airline have any responsibilities? Don’t they owe it to their customers to give them basic service? Don’t they owe their passengers basic decency? Or do we sign that all away to ‘airline rules’ when we purchase a ticket with an airline? You are here today to answer that question. My client, Jason Reynolds, was one such passenger, onboard Jerk Airways flight to Beijing, when he experience the most vicious, denigrating, painful, and discriminatory experiences that any airline has ever had.”

Before Anderson could continue, Capone yelled out.

“WROONNGGG!”

The bailiff almost collapsed right there. Anderson gave Capone a stare of utter contempt.

“Excuse me Capone. I know that people like you don’t know much about law, but it’s my turn to speak right now” said Anderson.

“Now, as I was saying, my client expected to arrive at Beijing without broken bones, bruises, and without the pain and horror of the discrimination, mistreatment, and indecency of Jerk Airways”

Once more, Capone called out.

“We never said how you’d get there!”

Anderson gritted his teeth. The bailiff looked increasingly nauseous.

“Your honor, this is not proper conduct of any lawyer” said Anderson.

“Oh for once Anderson does have a point. Johnny, as much as I like you, I would like to remind you that this is my court, and not the presidential debates between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Please, let him finish, and you’ll get your chance to make your own arguments”

Capone simply dismissed that with a wave of his hand. Anderson continued.

“Do people not expect basic decency from businesses? Basic dignity? Basic human rights? Our founding fathers expected that we should have as much, so it is written in the Constitution, in the Bill of Rights. What you have in front of you are vile, greedy, humans who care nothing for others. They simply pretend to care for you. They pretend and then once they have your money, nobody cares anymore. What right do airlines have to treat people like cattle? What right do airlines have to squeeze as many people onboard a plane as they can? What right do airlines have to mistreat and discriminate? You must choose today, between human rights, or corporate greed. Thank you.”

Anderson sat down. Judge Marks seemed to be bored.

“Well Anderson, if law doesn’t work out for you, you certainly have a career in TV drama or politics ahead of you, though I’d start with TV drama first, then go into politics, since it seems to be the best route these days. Alright then. Johnny, your opening remarks sir.”

Capone got up, straightened his gold chains, and walked over to the jury as if he was going on a hit with his mob.

“Well now that drama queen here is finished, ” said Capone.

Anderson’s face turned bright red with anger.

“Let me tell you like it is. All that bullshit he told you about human rights and crap like that? That’s all it is. Bullshit. It’s just some jackass who bitches too much tryin’ ta get attention. That’s it” said Capone.

Capone started to walk off, then remembered one more thing.

“Thank you” said Capone. He then walked back and sat down.

This time the bailiff actually did fall over. He did manage to get back up, with great effort.

“Objection Your Honor. That entire opening statement was argumentative!” screeched Anderson.

“But it was damned well better than yours. It was concise and to the point! Alright, it was somewhat profane, but who isn’t these days? Overruled.” retorted Judge Marks.

“But, but, Your Honor?” wailed Anderson.

“No buts! Get yours back on that chair before I hold you in contempt of court!” said Judge Marks.

Anderson, now looking like a sad puppy, sat down.

“Alright, now onwards with the case! AH! There it is!” jumped Judge Marks with glee.

“Your Honor?” asked Anderson.

“My donuts! Come here plebe!” snapped Judge Marks.

The aide had returned, loaded like a pack mule with donuts and coffee. He somehow managed to scurry forward through the courtroom to deliver the donuts to Judge Marks.

“Don’t forget that gentlemen’s bagel!” snapped Judge Marks.

The aide scurried to the juror who asked for his bagel. The juror took his bagel and gave the aide 5 dollars as a tip. The aide bowed gratefully, then scurried to his position behind the judge.

“Now we can continue!” said Judge Marks between mouthfuls of donuts. “Anderson! Your first witness!”

“Thank you Your Honor. I’d like to call Jason Reynolds to the stand.”

Jason Reynolds got up. His head, his arm, and his leg were all wrapped in casts. He had definitely seen better days. He hobbled over to the witness stand, helped by the increasingly sickly looking bailiff.

“Swear him in!” ordered Judge Marks.

The bailiff swore in Jason. Anderson then walked up to the witness stand.

“Could you tell us your name, for the record?”

“My name is Jason Reynolds”

“Ok Jason, now tell us what happened on June 12th, 2017”

“Well, I needed to go to Beijing for business purposes, so my company booked a flight for me. These days, United tickets are getting more expensive, especially with their insurance plans. So I decided to book with Jerk Airways. The boarding process started off with a man dressed like a cowboy getting up on his desk and only allowing those who could beat him in rock, paper, scissors, to board first. Then the rest of us were herded onboard with cattle prods and whips. We were then squeezed in onboard like canned vegetables. The pilot was apparently a former stunt driver, and flew the plane like he drives. He did barrel rolls, loops, and even put the flight into zero g. Even his take off and landings seemed to be optimized for bone breakage. I could go on, but that’s the general gist of it”.

“Did you expect to be treated this way?” asked Anderson.

“No, I did not expect to be treated like this. I’m still recovering from my ordeal”

“Thank you, no further questions Your Honor”

Anderson sat down, looking smug, as if he’d already won the case right there and then.

“Alright. Johnny! Your witness!” squealed Judge Marks.

Once more, Capone got up, and walked over to Jason as if he was walking with his mob on a hit.

“Seems like everybody with Anderson here is a fucking drama queen. Alright, what’s your name again?” seethed Capone.

“Jason Reynolds” said an unfazed Jason Reynolds.

“Right then Jason. So you know what this airline is called, right? Tell us again, in case there’s some dumbass here who don’t know” said Capone.

“I booked my ticket with Jerk Airways…” said Jason cautiously.

“Alright, so it’s called Jerk Airways. How much did you pay for this ticket?” asked Capone.

“I paid 5 dollars for this ticket” replied Jason.

“Ok, so you paid only 5 dollars for this ticket, and you yourself said it’s because it’s cheaper than other airlines, right?”

“Yea…” said Jason, not liking where this was going.

“Ok, so this question is for any smart-ass in this court. What the fuck did you expect when you booked a ticket with an airline called Jerk Airways and paid only 5 dollars for it? Are youse fucking stupid or something?” snapped Capone.

The bailiff fainted. Anderson’s smug expression had changed. His mouth was literally hanging open. Jason looked stunned. As stunned as a man wrapped heavily in casts could, in any event. Anderson recovered after a few minutes to voice his objections.

“Uh, objection your honor! I could probably voice 15 objections, but let’s start with calls to speculation and leading the witness on!” stuttered Anderson.

“Well he does have a point.”  said Judge Marks, gesturing to Capone. “Overruled! And someone get the bailiff back on his feet again!”

Anderson sat back down. The aide scurried out of the court room and returned with a bucket of water. He poured the water on the bailiff. The bailiff woke with a start, arms flailing. The aide hauled the bailiff to his feet, then scurried back to his position behind Judge Marks.

“I, uh, don’t know” said an utterly stunned Jason Reynolds.

“Well thanks for nothing wise guy. I’m done with this smart ass” growled Capone.

“Alright, can we get this walking mummy off the stand then!?” snapped Judge Marks.

As the increasingly paler bailiff hauled Jason off of the witness stand, Anderson stood up again.

“Your Honor, I implore you, this is no way to run a court! This man has shown blatant disregard for every single courtroom procedure! He’s broken more laws than I have fingers to count on just standing here! The Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves right now! Please your honor!” pleaded Anderson.

Judge Marks looked unfazed.

“Oh Anderson, come now, he’s made some rather good points” yawned Marks.

“Please your honor!” pleaded Anderson once more. He seemed on the verge of tears.

Before Judge Marks could reply, Capone responded.

“Oh look, the fucking drama queen’s at it again! Want me to get you a napkin? Maybe a diaper too? Aww, is he gonna cry?” Capone was toying with Anderson.

Anderson suddenly looked angry.

“Your Honor, please tell this man to restrain himself” said Anderson through gritted teeth.

“Johnny, my boy, this might not be the best way to go about things” started Judge Marks.

But Capone dismissed them all with a wave of his hand.

“Ohh, looks like baby faced Anderson’s angry now! Aww, he’s so cute when he’s angry! Is he gonna kick out? Huh, oh he looks like he’s gonna pee himself!” roared Capone with laughter as he got in Anderson’s face.

Anderson then punched Capone. His fist connected with Capone’s jaw, sending him careening across the courtroom. The bailiff put his hand on his chest as if his heart might stop beating if he didn’t give it a helping hand. People suddenly stood up in the courtroom to get a better view. Judge Marks pulled out his iPhone and started recording. Capone recovered rather quickly.

“OH IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKER!” he roared in fury.

Capone jumped across the courtroom and started throwing punches at Anderson. The bailiff ran to try to separate the two. The Jerk Airways staff at the defendant’s table started chanting:

“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”

It seemed that they saw this more as a wrestling match than a courtroom. Judge Marks squealed with delight. Then, the courtroom does burst open. Capone’s mobsters had entered the room, carrying machine guns and pistols. They fired some shots into the ceiling. They were clearly angry that anyhow had the gall to punch their boss. Judge Marks jumped under his table, while somehow still smashing his gavel on the table and started screaming:

“ORDER! ORDER!”

People started screaming. Chaos ensued. Somehow, the Jerk Airways staff still seemed unfazed. Then, the hero of Jerk Airways, or villain, depending on your perspective, the cowboy, jumped up on the table with a megaphone in hand and started talking calmly.

“May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?”

Somehow, the courtroom chaos stopped for a minute.

“Alrighty everybody, now that y’all aren’t killin’ one another…”

Judge Marks saw his opportunity. He crawled out from under his table and yelled.

“THIS SESSION IS OVER! WE WILL RECONVENE NEXT WEEK! JOHNNY AND ANDERSON WILL MEET ME BEFORE THAT SESSION STARTS! NOW GET OUT! ALL OF YOU! YOU! AIDE! WHERE ARE YOU!?”

The aide poked his head out from the side of the chandelier. Apparently he had somehow managed to jump onto the chandelier and was hiding there, waiting for the chaos to end.

End of part 1.

 

 

 

A Dictator and a Solid Snake: A Tale of Jerk Airways

At Jerk Airways Headquarters in Dallas, Texas

“Well everyone, so we’ve got a really interesting gig coming up” said James “Jimmy” Edwards. “Looks like we’re gonna have a real special guest going on one of our flights soon”

“Who?” asked Donna Roberts, CTO of Jerk Airways.

“Kim Jong Un will be taking a Jerk Airways flight” replied Jimmy.

“Seriously!? That’s gonna be…interesting” said the CIO.

“Well, the CIA has already contacted us, they want to try stuff apparently” said Notch, the PR Officer.

“Tell them they’re free to book a ticket, it’s only 5 dollars after all. Beyond that, no special treatment” replied Jimmy.

“So how do we want to do this?” asked Donna.

“Why’d he even choose Jerk Airways? Seems a bit random, considering he could’ve gone with top luxury if he wanted” drawled Johnny Bravo, formerly a pilot, now promoted to COO.

“Well publicly he says he wants to travel as the people of the West do. Contacts say he’s saving money for his nuclear program. As for where he’s going, apparently there’s some sort of dictators conference he’s attending. He’s the keynote speaker and will also be presenting at the Subjugation segment of the conference. He wants to travel the Western way? Do what we always do then” said Jimmy.

Stockholm Arlanda International Airport, Stockholm, Sweden

 

At the Jerk Airways departure gate for the flight to Darujhistan (for some reason, everyone was going to Darujhistan these days, and no one knew exactly why), no one seemed to notice the portly, loud mouthed man and his small entourage waiting for the flight to start boarding. Nor did anyone notice the other man closely watching the loud mouth. The man watching had an eyepatch on along with a bandana.

A passenger yelled “Solid Snake!?”

“SHHHHH!!!!” hissed the man with the eyepatch, who seemed to be Solid Snake.

Why would anyone care? After all, when waiting for a Jerk Airways flight, you never know what to expect. As usual, a man dressed like a cowboy was standing at the ready to begin boarding. The cowboy then jumped on top of the Jerk Airways desk at the gate, with a Megaphone in hand.

“Alright everyone! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Darujhistan! So let’s get this show started!” drawled the cowboy through his Megaphone. “So, now y’all may or may not know, but boarding here…”

“EXCUSE ME!” bellowed the loud mouth as he and his entourage shoved people out of their way.

“Hoho! Looks like someone’s in a hurry to get going! I always love watchin’ y’all compete to get in the plane!” quipped the cowboy.

“Yes, yes, I am in a hurry, but I am special!” snapped the loud mouth with an expression of utter contempt on his face.

“Special?” said the cowboy quizzically.

“Yes!” replied the loud mouth with a smirk on his face.

“Now look, I’m sure your mommy told you you’re special plenty of times, but here at Jerk Airways, we mistreat all of passengers equally, so..”

“IGNORANT FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?” roared the loud mouth.

The cowboy scratched his head for a moment. The loud mouth did look somewhat familiar, but that didn’t really matter much to the cowboy, since a passenger was just another article of cargo to Jerk Airways. This was a new situation for Jerk Airways, and even the How Not to Give a Shit and Optimize Costs training manual didn’t really have any rule on how to optimize the cost here. The cowboy then decided that this was just another really unruly passenger, to be treated as such.

“I don’t frankly give a shit son! You ain’t even cute to look at! Now like I was saying…”

“STUPID AMERICAN! I AM KIM JONG UN!” exploded a red faced Kim Jong Un.

Realization dawned on the cowboy. This is gonna be fun thought the cowboy.

“Well look here everybody! We brought y’all a celebrity asshole for y’all’s entertainment! Is that service or what!?” yelled the cowboy.

“SILENCE AMERICAN! I WILL NUKE YOU!” screamed an increasingly reddening Kim Jong Un.

A man with wire rimmed glasses put a hand on Kim Jong Un and began petting him the way one pets a particularly angry dog. Kim Jong Un then began panting like a horse as he seemed to calm down.

“Kim Jong Un demands that he be allowed to board first on account of his status! Even you barbaric Americans realize what he is.” said a man in the entourage.

“Why should I give a shit?” asked the cowboy.

“He is the grand leader of North Korea! He deserves respect!”

“Well grand leader, see when you buy a ticket with Jerk Airways, you sign an agreement of airline rules that says you ain’t shit, and I’m the King, God, Jesus, Allah, Moses, Vishnu, Buddha, Zeus, Jupiter, and Odin all wrapped into one mean, badass cowboy style sandwich so long as you are on this flight. So y’all follow my rules, and I promise you y’all’ll get where y’all gotta be, for only 5 dollars. You’ll save money for your nuclear program and we’ll all be happy”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY FOR MY NUKES” bellowed Kim Jong Un.

Before the spectacled man could speak, the cowboy cut him off.

“IT’S TIME TO BOARD GUYS! NOW GET Y’ALL’S ASSES ONBOARD! GIDDYUP ABODY!”

The crowd surged forward at the appearance of the ‘herders’ who appeared with cattle prods and whips.

“YOU CANNOT DO THIS!” howled Kim Jong Un, who now appeared to be on the verge of tears.

“TELL THEM THEY CAN’T DO THIS!” he snapped to the entourage.

Before the entourage could try anything, a herder jumped behind them and yelled

“YEE HAW! GIDDYUP ASSHOLES! ONBOARD NOW!”

ZAPP!

“STOP THAT!” snapped Kim Jong Un/

ZAPP!

“I’M SERIOUS! I’LL NUKE YOUR HOME!”

ZAP!

“THAT WAS MY PRETTY FACE! I WILL NUKE YOUR FACE IN REVENGE!

ZAPPPPP!

The herder kept on zapping with the cattle prod Kim Jong Un, who slowly gave ground. His entourage had already abandoned him.

“MAN THIS IS FUN! I AIN’T HAD THIS MUCH FUN ON THE JOB EVER!” whooped the herder.

Slowly, Kim Jong Un was at the cabin door. For once, Kim Jong Un was a bit confused and not screaming.

“Wait, I do not see space in there. How do you American scum expect me to…”

The cowboy appeared behind him and gave him one strong round house kick on the ass while saying

“Get your grand leader, arrogant, radioactive ass in the fucking airplane son! I ain’t got time to waste on your bitchin’! This ain’t Pyongyang son, it’s Jerk Airways!”

The kick sent Kim Jong Un literally rolling through the main cabin, with passengers knocked aside like bowling pins. Kim Jong Un ended up sitting on top of one of his entourage members while wedged between three other people in various different positions.

“Grand leader, you’re crushing meeee!” wailed the man underneath Kim Jong Un.

“Silence you fool! I crush everyone!” snapped Kim Jong Un.

Unbeknownst to others, the man known as Snake assiduously avoided the cattle prods by    hiding in a cardboard box and walking into the flight. That is, until the cowboy saw him.

“The fuck!?” said the cowboy as he saw the cardboard box walking in to the flight. The box suddenly sat still. This flight is getting weirder and weirder thought the cowboy. The cowboy walked up to the cardboard box, gave it one hard kick, and sent both Snake and the box flying across the flight, smashing into another crowd of passengers.

“Alrighty folks are y’all ready!?” drawled the cowboy.

The only response was moans and wails of the crushed entourage member and someone saying:

“Who the fuck brought this cardboard box on the plane…goddamn this flight”

“Alrighty folks! Let’s get going!”

The plane began to taxi as the pilot made some announcements:

“Hey everybody, welcome to Jerk Airways! This is your pilot speaking, known as Dom Toretto. Not really my real name, and yes it is from Fast and Furious series, and it’s what they used to call me when I was a stunt driver, and well, I’m not anymore, because, well, I don’t want to get into that. I haven’t done much flying before, but I hear it’s kind of like driving stunt cars, right? Anyways, hang on everyone! We’re about to take off!”

Here’s my chance, thought Snake.

Snake lay flat on his belly as he started to crawl his way forward to Kim Jong Un when the plane suddenly lurched forward, shaking off the ground, then suddenly skidding sideways through the air like a stunt car, sending Snake flying backwards again and smashing into some other passenger. Once more, the cowboy seemed to be glued in place with his magnetic shoes. Kim Jong Un seemed unaffected, somehow.

“HOO YEAH I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THAT IN THE AIR!” yelled the pilot.

Suddenly the flight seemed somewhat more normal again, if you could ignore the fact that there were people crammed into every space and a cardboard box randomly floating around. Even Kim Jong Un seemed quieter than before.

I’m getting too old for this, thought Snake as he tried to get off the ground.

Snake then began once more to make his way towards Kim Jong Un again. He used people as cover to avoid detection. Snake had gotten to within 10 feet of Kim Jong Un.

“Hey it’s Solid Snake!” yelled someone right at that moment.

Kim Jong Un’s eyes went wide, his face twisted into a mask of pure fear and horror.

“A SNAKE! WHERE IS IT!!!?? SNAKKEEE! HELLPPPP!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” he screamed as he started stamping around in a frenzy.

As Kim Jong Un continued to scream, the cowboy jumped into the fray with a baseball bat.

“WHERE DAT SNAKE AT!?” yelled the cowboy.

Kim Jong Un continued screaming and stamping in response. The cowboy started indiscriminately swinging his bat. Snake ducked and hid behind an entourage member, who was hit clean on the head and immediately rendered unconscious.

“Ah this ain’t gonna work” said the cowboy after hitting nothing but entourage members. He then got out his walkie-talkie. “Yo Dom, we got a goddamned snake on this aircraft, try some maneuvers to smoke out the bastard”

“HANG ON!” yelled the pilot.

The plane then started doing loops in the air. Snake and Kim Jong Un were both sent flying. Kim Jong Un smashed into other passengers like a pinball while Snake attempted to avoid breaking more bones. Passengers and bags flew around, while the cowboy hit anything that got too close with his baseball bat as if he was batting on a baseball pitch. Snake puked out the c-ration he’d eaten earlier. Kim Jong Un had stopped yelling.

“Alright I think we’re good Dom” said the cowboy into the walkie talkie.

The plane leveled out. Everyone landed flat on the deck again.

“Grow a pair grand leader, there ain’t no snake here, yeesh” said the cowboy as he walked off.

Snake got up again.

“Snake, you alright” said a voice in Snake’s ear.

“Just fine. It’s like I’m on vacation Otacon. You should really try it sometime” said Snake sarcastically.

“I’m fine with not being on the frontline Snake. I’ll leave that to you. It seems like you got detected that time. Try avoiding detection next time” said Otacon.

“I’ll keep that in mind” growled Snake.

Snake then proceeded to somehow pull out a barrel and jump inside it. He then resumed his approach to Kim Jong Un. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un had continued his incessant screeching.

“YOU AMERICANS ARE HORRIBLE! NO FOOD, NO WATER! EVEN I’M BETTER TO MY PEOPLE! I AT LEAST PRETEND!” bellowed Kim Jong Un.

“Well I guess that makes us more honest than you, grand asshole” retorted the cowboy. “Besides, we never said you’d get shit. Just that you’d get to your destination. That’s it.”

As Snake inched closer in his barrel, and people stared at the barrel, the pilot announced

“Alright everyone! Hang on! We’re gonna land!”

The plane then proceeded to swerve through the sky, sending the barrel flying off of Snake. Once more, everyone was in flight inside the aircraft. Kim Jong Un smashed Snake against a wall. The plane barrel rolled through the sky,  sending Kim Jong Un into another pinball flight around the plane. The barrel crashed into Snake as he then proceeded to hit passengers, bags, and other assorted things as he came face to face with the cowboy, who still had his baseball bat. Snake was about to use his close quarters combat (CQC) techniques to disarm the cowboy when the cowboy hit Snake with the baseball bat to send him flying and smashing back into the barrel again and then back into Kim Jong Un, who at this point was screaming

“I WILL NUKE YOU BASTARDS!”

“HOME RUN!” yelled the cowboy.

The plane then touched down with a bone crunching thud on the runway. Once more, everyone was on the ground again. The flight finally got to its gate.

“Alrighty everyone! Time to get off!” said the cowboy.

The cowboy then made his way out of the plane to the gate. As the staff went through its usual routine of herding people and throwing people out of the plane, Kim Jong Un, staggered up to the cowboy. The cowboy was about to say something when Kim Jong Un shook the cowboy’s hand.

“You sir are an example to behold!” said Kim Jong Un.

“What?” asked the cowboy.

“A brilliant means of subjugation! Imagine transporting political prisoners like this! You have given me many ideas! I will implement them immediately to gain more power! You sir, are a hero of the Democratic People’s Republic! You are always welcome to the DPRK! As a hero! I thank you!”

Kim Jong Un then turned to his beleaguered entourage.

“Come on you fools! Carry your injured leader out of here! You will all be hailed as heroes!”

His entourage then attempted to lift Kim Jong Un on their own broken bones. They walked all of 7 steps and then all collapsed into a pile. The cowboy chuckled.

“Gosh darn, that’s gotta be the nicest thing anyone’s said to me!” said the blushing cowboy.

Snake, not the least nor the forgotten, limped through the boarding passageway. He was then on his knees. Otacon encouraged Snake to get through. He had gotten through the microwave hall, he could do this. Snake crawled through, then puked his instant noodles. He then crawled out of the boarding passage and collapsed onto the ground just at the gate. He saw Kim Jong Un once more being lifted by his entourage and staff members of the Dictator’s Conference. He knew in that moment the outcome of this mission.

“This is Snake” panted Snake. “Mission….failed”

“Snake!? What happened Snake!? Talk to me Snake. Snake!? SNAKE!? SNAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEE!” yelled Otacon in the radio in Snake’s ear.

The cowboy looked at the collapsed form in the gate. He shrugged his shoulders, picked up Snake, and literally threw him across the gate like he would any other passenger.

 

 

 

 

Complaining to Jerk Airways (A Tale of Jerk Airways)

To Whomsoever is in Charge of Customer Service (If it exists) for This Damned Airline

I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point. How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service! Your boarding process involved a man dressed like a cowboy (and what is it with you people and cowboys!?) first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination! I thought you people have equal treatment for all!? So much for that!

Then he started the general boarding, where the term ‘general’ seemed to mean ‘herding’, since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle! And I don’t see why anyone should be treated this way! Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism! That plane was already packed with luggage and people!

Onboard, I was half sitting, half crouching, and wedged between at least 15 other people Then we heard who the pilot is. By god. He announced “Hey y’all, welcome to Jerk Airways flight to New York City, JFK International Airport! I’m your pilot, Johnny Bravo, and I don’t usually fly planes, I actually usually ride bulls, but it’s the same general idea, and I promise y’all will get there. And just so y’all know, I do take tips should you want to give them!”. First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes? I discovered later what that connection meant.

So, now we go to take off, with the pilot leaving the PA system on as he screamed “YEEEE HAWWWW” into the mike while he took the plane off. At least he didn’t do anything too crazy here. No, that would come later. At this point I had next to no expectations from you people. But then came an announcement that drinks were going to be served. I wondered how they would manage this feat with the plane as crowded as it was. I discovered, to my dismay, what that actually meant. The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.

But of course, how could it? You seem to be intent on making sure that no one gets off these flights with a good experience. First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around, and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod. I somehow found myself pressed up against a window for the duration of the flight.

Then of course, your damned flight mercifully ended, but not before Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!? Of course, getting off the plane was another fascinating treatise on terribly treating your customers. The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms. The rest of us. Oh well, the rest of us don’t deserve this grand treatment. Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!” Once more, I am not skinny! Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries.

I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

Signed,

Jason

Jerk Airways Responds:

I will concede one thing to you, Jason my man, we don’t really have a customer service department. So instead, it’s me, that cowboy, who was on that flight with you, responding to your letter. I’m gonna break this all down and respond to each bullet point, from start to end.

-“I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point.

-How rude of you.

-“How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service!”

-Now, now buddy. It is legal because each time you fly with us, you’re agreeing to our terms of service. You were warned. You didn’t read our rules. And why did you expect customer service to begin with? We told you that for $5, we’d get you where you needed to be. Did you not get to NYC on time? We never said how you’d get there. Now on to boarding:

-“first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination!”

-How was it discrimination? I chose both men and women that I thought were cute lookin’, and gave ’em my phone number. A guy and a girl even called me back! You’re just jealous that I don’t think you’re cute. It’s alright. I’m sure someone’ll love you, even though you’re an angry guy. And we do treat everyone equally, as you noted next.

-“since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle!”

-Y’all gotta get in there and on time. I gotta do what I gotta do. And again, we never promised any treatment. Just that you’d get where you needed to. You got off easy compared to the others. Other guys got shocked 8 times.

-“Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism!”

-1): You are skinny. It’s why I don’t think you’re cute. No need to be jealous of the others. I’m sure you’ll find someone. If this is a problem, I can find you a dating service. Just let me know.

-2): You are a pessimist. There’s multiple ways of looking at a situation like the one you described. One way is to see a plane completely full. I chose to see a plane half empty. See? I’m an optimist. You chose to see a full plane. That is pessimism. You won’t get anywhere in life with that attitude. Trust me

-“First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes?”

-Yea, his name actually is Johnny Bravo. Don’t be hatin’ on him. And no, he doesn’t usually fly planes. He used to be a rodeo star, now he’s learning to fly planes on the job. You’d be surprised by how much riding a bull has to do with flying planes.

-“The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.”

-You really have an attitude problem, don’t you? Nowhere do we say that you’ll be served drinks. That you got anything is me being nice to you. And as you yourself have correctly noted, it’s too crowded to go through with a cart. This is more efficient, and gets the job done. Besides, being sticky in Coca Cola ain’t the worse thing. Imagine the pick up lines!

-“First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around,”

-Again, you gotta be optimistic. People throw themselves out of planes, go bungee jumping, go scuba diving, or go on roller coaster rides and waste so much money on it. You got the experience of zero g for only five dollars! Think of how great a story that’ll be! Plus now you know that you don’t like the taste of boot! Look at everything you’re learning about yourself! So some people puked. Think about it as extreme weight loss measures. Not everyone is as skinny as you are.

-“and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod.”

-Well, yea, I was wearing magnetic boots cause I knew that Johnny likes to play a little. You should’a been more prepared son! And yea, I don’t like you people getting too close.

-“Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!?”

-Jerk Airways engineering my friend!

-“The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms.”

-You’re just jealous you weren’t in my loving arms.

Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!””

-We got a schedule to maintain son! You got where you gotta be, so you better get your ass out of there!

-“Once more, I am not skinny!”

-Yes, you are

-“Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries”

-Well, you got where you need to be right? And besides, I saw your hospital report. You complain way too much you pessimist! All you had were some bruises! Others had broken bones man! Optimism my man, optimism!

-“I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

-You are welcome to go onto United Airlines, pay exorbitant prices, and deal with their wrestlers breaking your bones when they tell you that your seat has been sold to someone else. I hear that these days they throw you out the tail end of the plane onto the tarmac. And if you get lucky enough (or buy the exorbitant protection policy) to keep your seat. good luck with dealing with the ‘PR’ Officer onboard who will then threaten to kill you and your family if you ever say anything about the incident to anyone. We guarantee you’ll get where you need to be, for a cheap price. Nothing else. United does not give you anything cheap, nor do they guarantee you’ll get anywhere. Do you really think that United is any better? You’ll have the same broken bones, but you won’t be at your destination. Think about it, Sir Pessimist.

Thanks for flying with us!

Yours truly

The Cowboy of Jerk Airways

PS: I can definitely hook you up with some dates if you need them.

PPS: You didn’t tip Johnny Bravo. He was a little pissed.

 

Aggressive Business! A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards walked into the meeting room, at the top floor of Jerk Airways tower in downtown Dallas Texas. As always, he was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that had “We aren’t better, just way cheaper” written on it. The various corporate officers were already seated at the large table. As Jimmy sat down at the table, he said,

“Alright everybody, seems like this quarter went pretty well”

“Profits are good, customers aren’t complaining too much more than usual about the usual stuff, and we are slowly turning people away from American, United, and Delta”

“Hmm, any problems?” asked Jimmy.

“Well, we are doing well, but we aren’t that big at the moment. In order to get bigger, we’re gonna need to do more international routes without using other airlines, thus lowering the cost to our usual price of $5 and in general, we need more”

“How’s the investment side looking?”

“Well, we’ve managed to convince people that rather than pretend to be nice to the customer and charge ridiculous rates that just throwing them in the tin can and charging very little for it is the better way to fly. We’ve got enough investment for phase 2”

“Alrighty then! Time for phase 2 of Jerk Airways! Throw the investment in there, start getting aggressive! And remember, that cost has gotta stay low! So whatever you can think of! Anything! From passenger optimization, employee optimization, to route optimization, whatever you can think of! Time to put the heat on them other airlines! Aggressive business guys!”

1 Month Later, Newark Liberty International Airport

God I hate flying, thought Mike. Mike was waiting at the airport to go to Beijing for a routine business trip. HIs company had booked him on United Airlines for the afternoon flight. It was almost time to board. And it looked like United had once more overbooked its flight. A bored looking attendant stood at the desk, announcing the unfortunate news.

“So this flight is overbooked, so we will be asking for people to voluntarily give up their seats. We used to give vouchers for buying tickets with United, but since nobody really likes those, we’ll give you Pokemon Go! vouchers”

“Nobody plays Pokemon Go anymore!” shouted a passenger.

“That just isn’t true and you goddamned know it!” the attendant retorted angrily. “If no one takes those, then of course, these guys here will take care of the overbooking problem”.

The attendant gestured to two extremely muscular and tall men, dressed in United uniforms that barely contained the muscles, who both looked to be ex wrestlers.

“Hello, I’m Jawbreaker” said the one man.

“And I’m Skullcrusher” said the other man, “and we hope that you have a pleasant flight”.

Mike was fairly certain that Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher would probably say the exact same thing after ripping some poor passenger out of his seat and throwing him out onto the tarmac. These days, United instructed its wrestlers to not throw passengers out onto the gate, since there were too many witnesses there. The result was that the wrestlers would throw the passengers out onto the tarmac. Rumor had it that one passenger was actually throw in with the check in luggage. Mike shuddered, hoping that he wouldn’t have to deal with any such unpleasantries. His company usually bought the exorbitant ‘insurance policy’, otherwise known as protection money that ensured that United would not result to such tactics with him at least. But these days, United getting desperate, and even the ‘insurance policy’ wasn’t a guarantee.

“And when I say overbooked, I mean that 75% of coach class is actually gonna have to go” said the attendant.

“The fuck!? This is outrageous man! I thought we bought those goddamned seats!” screamed another passenger.

“Don’t make me come over there” said Jawbreaker, with a grin that seemed to say that he would relish going over to that passenger and breaking his jaw.

“Not in front of so many witnesses” said a man standing behind the two wrestlers. He was dressed in a trench coat, with a United uniform on underneath. Clearly, this KGB looking guy was the ‘PR officer’ for the flight.

“It not outrageous my friend! People be getting to destination! Don’t worry! Relax! If it isn’t you, you enjoy cute Pokemon on cellphone, yes?” said the PR officer.

Oh no, this is gonna get ugly, thought Mike. Why can’t we just get the seats we bought?

“Now why would any of you listen and deal with these jackasses?” rang out a new voice.

Everyone turned to see who the newcomer was. Their eyes were greeted by the sight of what could only be described as a cowboy standing on a stack of luggage, looking out at the crowd.

“Like seriously man, why the hell would you deal with people who’ve already told you that you probably ain’t gonna be getting where y’all need to be? First they rip y’all off by charging like a thousand dollars and they can’t even guarantee you a seat! And when they admit that they can’t give y’all that seat, what do y’all get? Y’all get goddamned Pokemon Go! vouchers! Like, not even App Store credit, or Xbox Live! credit, or Playstation Store credit, or god forbid, Steam Credit. No, it’s goddamned Pokemon Go! Who even plays Pokemon Go! anymore? Seriously!? Like you’ve gotta be some kind of freak to play that game now. So uncool man” he drawled.

HEY! I STILL PLAY THAT GAME!” screeched the attendant.

“Well, like I said, some kind of a freak, since only a freak would work for United Airlines and sell y’all this bullshit. Y’all realize that this is bullshit, right?” inquired the cowboy.

There were murmurs and nods of agreement (though not for the Pokemon Go statements). Mike, though an avid Pokemon Go player, found himself agreeing with the cowboy’s words.

“Who is this circus freak?” asked an exasperated attendant.

“Should I go and break his jaw?” asked Jawbreaker.

“I already tell you, there are too many witnesses. Let me find out where this son of bitch lives” said the now reddening PR officer.

“This circus freak” the cowboy said coyly, ” is here to give you a much better offer than Pokemon Go vouchers. All y’all gotta do is give me 5 dollars! Just 5 dollars! And we at Jerk Airways will get y’all to Beijing. Guaranteed! Y’all won’t be thrown out on the tarmac by Beavis and Butthead over there” he said while gesturing to the wrestlers.

“HEY! I’LL BREAK YOUR BONES AND USE YOUR SKULL FOR SOCCER!” bellowed Skullcrusher.

The PR Officer grabbed Skullcrusher by the collar of his uniform.

“How many times I tell you idiots not here! Too many witnesses!” screeched the PR officer.

“DON’T CALL ME AN IDIOT!” exploded Skullcrusher.

Skullcrusher then proceeded to peel off the PR Officer’s hand from his collar, pick the man up by his collar, and hurl him across the terminal. The PR Officer screeched

“WHY DID I TAKE THIS JOB!!???”

as he smashed into a magazine stand and land on the ground with piles of magazines covering him. Mike faintly heard the PR Officer say

“I should’ve stayed with KGB”

So they are ex KGB! thought Mike.

“ahahahah he called you an idiot!!! HAHAHAHAHA IDIOT SKULLCRUSHER!” Jawbreaker roared with laughter.

Skullcrusher’s face had turned bright red at this point. Skullcrusher stormed up to Jawbreaker, who was overcome with laughter at that point, then proceeded to punch Jawbreaker, sending him across the gate, forcing the attendant to duck. Jawbreaker smashed into a wall, putting a dent in it. Jawbreaker quickly got to his feet, with an expression that didn’t bode well for the gate or the airline.

“FIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTTTT!” screamed Jawbreaker.

With a war cry, Jawbreaker jumped across the gate, landing directly on Skullcrusher. The two were embroiled in a fight that rivaled even the worst WWE match. The flight attendant screamed for security.

“Ah well, I guess he’s the sensitive type’ drawled the cowboy as he gestured at the fighting wrestlers as a TSA guard flew over the crowd around the cowboy, evidently thrown by the wrestlers. “So, who’s with me? Just 5 dollars guys and y’all can get to Beijing, do whatever y’all need to”

Many passengers started lining up right there and then. Mike had heard of Jerk Airways before, and while he wasn’t super sure if this was the best option, witnessing the brawl between Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher, that had now lead to airport chairs being ripped out and used to batter one another and the poor security guards attempting to intervene, wasn’t making him feel any better about United.

“Yea, sign me up too” said Mike as he handed 5 dollars to the cowboy.

“Alrighty then partner! Let’s get rolling!” said the cowboy.

A large crowd had formed behind the cowboy as he lead them to what Mike presumed could only be the gate for the Jerk Airways flight to Beijing. As Mike looked around, he saw  that Jerk Airways was going to every gate and convincing people to fly Jerk Airways instead of the flight at the gate. Talk about aggressive marketing, thought Mike. I wonder how these Jerk Airways guys are gonna do this…

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Jerk Airways: An Interview

“Ok, we are live in 3, 2, 1”

“Hello everyone and welcome back to our show. And now, we move on to an interesting segment about the airline industry. By now, most seasoned air travelers have heard of Jerk Airways, for various reasons. With me, I have CEO and co-founder of Jerk Airways, James ‘Jimmy’ Edwards to talk to us about Jerk Airways. Thanks for joining us tonight Jimmy”

“It’s good to be on Jake”

“So let’s start with some easy stuff. What’s the story of how Jerk Airways started?”

“Well that’s an interesting one actually. I was going with my buddy (and cofounder) Reese on an post graduation celebration trip to Darujhistan on United Airlines when we saw the most remarkable thing. So apparently the flight was overbooked, and no one wanted to get off, because apparently, Darujhistan was super popular that year as a destination for post college graduates. Something about massively discounted alcohol on sale, because it was getting banned next year or something. Anyhow, so what do airlines do when no one wants to get off? Well, they choose some guy at random, and they insisted it was random, and tell him or her nicely and cordially to get off the plane. So there were some complaints from the others but one dude absolutely refused. Apparently some girl had told him to come meet her there for a massively fun time. That was how he described it, I swear. And apparently, if he didn’t get there on time, some other lucky dude was gonna take his place. Now the first clue that this guy was somewhat nutty came to me when he said that he’d met this girl on the Internet. The second clue came with this description that I’ve just described to you. And then finally, his refusal to get off, right after that David Dao incident of the guy being dragged off the flight. So United seemed really fed up with controversies, so they really wanted to try something new this time. Apparently, two of the air stewards were former WWE wrestlers”

“Former WWE wrestlers?”

“Yes I’m not quite sure how they went from beating the shit out of colleagues to beating the shit out of air travelers. But in any case, you can see where this is going”

“I suppose?”

“Well anyhow, so they get the idea that they are going to handle this guy. So they come down, ask him if he’s going to leave or not. When he says no once more, by holding up his middle fingers, the first steward wrestler, who was known as The Terminator, literally rips the dude out of his seat, belt and everything, throws him down in front of the second wrestler steward, known as BoneSaw, who then punts the dude across the plane. Finally, The Terminator picks up the dude, literally throws him out the door into the boarding area while BoneSaw throws the belt at him for good measure.”

“Wait a minute. Why didn’t anyone complain about this!? Why wasn’t this in the news!? Why has nobody ever heard of this!?”

“Well see, apparently United had starting hiring PR people for each flight who actually sit on each flight. Most of these PR people were ex-KGB, Trump’s press secretaries, or something. Most of their PR experiences came from spinning Trump’s tweets, silencing the press, and other things. So this guy on this flight, who’s name was Boris Grishenko. Imagine an ex-KGB dude, wearing a United uniform underneath a trench coat. That’s this guy”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh no, it’s all true. See United never made these practices public, and they have techniques for keeping people quite, but they do indeed have it. Nowadays they discontinued it, since it doesn’t really work, and we’re giving them competition”

“Well, if you say so”

“Anyhow, so this guy tells us to give him all our cellphones ‘for security’ and then individually either bribes or threatens each passenger to silence them. See, at this point, I’m like, we pay so much for terrible seating, delays, and to top it off, terrible service, and it just doesn’t seem worth it. So we decided to solve one of those problems”

“The service one?”

“Oh god no. No one in the airline industry would ever do that. No, we went on to solve the ticket cost problem. That was my only goal.”

“And you do that by basically cutting back on everything any airline provides”

“Well now, you say that, but think about it. What do airlines give you? They can’t guarantee your seat. We can, because, we don’t have any seats. They give you terrible in flight food and pretend it’s good. We don’t even give you water. They limit what you can take onboard, claiming that there’s not enough storage space. We let you take anything, cause there is no storage space. Plus you’ll get to where you need to be for only $5.”

“But how do people manage without any seats, food, water, or storage?”

“It’s easy enough. If you ain’t gonna get it, you ain’t gonna expect it. We guarantee only one thing: that you’ll get where you need to be.”

“And what about reports of using cattle prods to handle passengers?”

“Well it get’s a little crowded sometimes”

“I think a little crowded is an understatement”

“Well semantics and perspective. Some people see a little crowded. Others see a pig pen. Anyhow, so sometimes it’s a little crowded in the main pen, er cabin”

“You mean the only cabin”

“Right, so sometimes we need to finesse the passengers around a little”

“By using electric prods?”

“Well it gets the message across, don’t it?”

“I mean these are people”

“Yea, a little bit of electricity is only gonna wake ’em up before they get where they gotta be”

“You seem to have an interesting perspective on all of this”

“Well, sure. How else can you guarantee $5 tickets and the destination without making some sacrifices?”

“Does that include hiring former rodeo stars and fired stunt drivers for pilots?”

“Well, you gotta cost cut somewhere, and it’s way easier to get these guys, train ’em to be pilots, instead of getting actual pilots”

“By having people fly the plane the way they ride a bull?”

“Well it’s sort of fun if you view it a certain way, right?”

“What about the passengers that come out with broken bones from these flights?”

“Well, we never guaranteed how they’d get there, did we? Just that they would.”

“I see. Well. this seems to be getting nowhere. Thanks for coming on…I think”

“Thanks for having me!”