At Jerk Airways Headquarters in Dallas, Texas
“Well everyone, so we’ve got a really interesting gig coming up” said James “Jimmy” Edwards. “Looks like we’re gonna have a real special guest going on one of our flights soon”
“Who?” asked Donna Roberts, CTO of Jerk Airways.
“Kim Jong Un will be taking a Jerk Airways flight” replied Jimmy.
“Seriously!? That’s gonna be…interesting” said the CIO.
“Well, the CIA has already contacted us, they want to try stuff apparently” said Notch, the PR Officer.
“Tell them they’re free to book a ticket, it’s only 5 dollars after all. Beyond that, no special treatment” replied Jimmy.
“So how do we want to do this?” asked Donna.
“Why’d he even choose Jerk Airways? Seems a bit random, considering he could’ve gone with top luxury if he wanted” drawled Johnny Bravo, formerly a pilot, now promoted to COO.
“Well publicly he says he wants to travel as the people of the West do. Contacts say he’s saving money for his nuclear program. As for where he’s going, apparently there’s some sort of dictators conference he’s attending. He’s the keynote speaker and will also be presenting at the Subjugation segment of the conference. He wants to travel the Western way? Do what we always do then” said Jimmy.
Stockholm Arlanda International Airport, Stockholm, Sweden
At the Jerk Airways departure gate for the flight to Darujhistan (for some reason, everyone was going to Darujhistan these days, and no one knew exactly why), no one seemed to notice the portly, loud mouthed man and his small entourage waiting for the flight to start boarding. Nor did anyone notice the other man closely watching the loud mouth. The man watching had an eyepatch on along with a bandana.
A passenger yelled “Solid Snake!?”
“SHHHHH!!!!” hissed the man with the eyepatch, who seemed to be Solid Snake.
Why would anyone care? After all, when waiting for a Jerk Airways flight, you never know what to expect. As usual, a man dressed like a cowboy was standing at the ready to begin boarding. The cowboy then jumped on top of the Jerk Airways desk at the gate, with a Megaphone in hand.
“Alright everyone! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Darujhistan! So let’s get this show started!” drawled the cowboy through his Megaphone. “So, now y’all may or may not know, but boarding here…”
“EXCUSE ME!” bellowed the loud mouth as he and his entourage shoved people out of their way.
“Hoho! Looks like someone’s in a hurry to get going! I always love watchin’ y’all compete to get in the plane!” quipped the cowboy.
“Yes, yes, I am in a hurry, but I am special!” snapped the loud mouth with an expression of utter contempt on his face.
“Special?” said the cowboy quizzically.
“Yes!” replied the loud mouth with a smirk on his face.
“Now look, I’m sure your mommy told you you’re special plenty of times, but here at Jerk Airways, we mistreat all of passengers equally, so..”
“IGNORANT FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?” roared the loud mouth.
The cowboy scratched his head for a moment. The loud mouth did look somewhat familiar, but that didn’t really matter much to the cowboy, since a passenger was just another article of cargo to Jerk Airways. This was a new situation for Jerk Airways, and even the How Not to Give a Shit and Optimize Costs training manual didn’t really have any rule on how to optimize the cost here. The cowboy then decided that this was just another really unruly passenger, to be treated as such.
“I don’t frankly give a shit son! You ain’t even cute to look at! Now like I was saying…”
“STUPID AMERICAN! I AM KIM JONG UN!” exploded a red faced Kim Jong Un.
Realization dawned on the cowboy. This is gonna be fun thought the cowboy.
“Well look here everybody! We brought y’all a celebrity asshole for y’all’s entertainment! Is that service or what!?” yelled the cowboy.
“SILENCE AMERICAN! I WILL NUKE YOU!” screamed an increasingly reddening Kim Jong Un.
A man with wire rimmed glasses put a hand on Kim Jong Un and began petting him the way one pets a particularly angry dog. Kim Jong Un then began panting like a horse as he seemed to calm down.
“Kim Jong Un demands that he be allowed to board first on account of his status! Even you barbaric Americans realize what he is.” said a man in the entourage.
“Why should I give a shit?” asked the cowboy.
“He is the grand leader of North Korea! He deserves respect!”
“Well grand leader, see when you buy a ticket with Jerk Airways, you sign an agreement of airline rules that says you ain’t shit, and I’m the King, God, Jesus, Allah, Moses, Vishnu, Buddha, Zeus, Jupiter, and Odin all wrapped into one mean, badass cowboy style sandwich so long as you are on this flight. So y’all follow my rules, and I promise you y’all’ll get where y’all gotta be, for only 5 dollars. You’ll save money for your nuclear program and we’ll all be happy”
“I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY FOR MY NUKES” bellowed Kim Jong Un.
Before the spectacled man could speak, the cowboy cut him off.
“IT’S TIME TO BOARD GUYS! NOW GET Y’ALL’S ASSES ONBOARD! GIDDYUP ABODY!”
The crowd surged forward at the appearance of the ‘herders’ who appeared with cattle prods and whips.
“YOU CANNOT DO THIS!” howled Kim Jong Un, who now appeared to be on the verge of tears.
“TELL THEM THEY CAN’T DO THIS!” he snapped to the entourage.
Before the entourage could try anything, a herder jumped behind them and yelled
“YEE HAW! GIDDYUP ASSHOLES! ONBOARD NOW!”
“STOP THAT!” snapped Kim Jong Un/
“I’M SERIOUS! I’LL NUKE YOUR HOME!”
“THAT WAS MY PRETTY FACE! I WILL NUKE YOUR FACE IN REVENGE!
The herder kept on zapping with the cattle prod Kim Jong Un, who slowly gave ground. His entourage had already abandoned him.
“MAN THIS IS FUN! I AIN’T HAD THIS MUCH FUN ON THE JOB EVER!” whooped the herder.
Slowly, Kim Jong Un was at the cabin door. For once, Kim Jong Un was a bit confused and not screaming.
“Wait, I do not see space in there. How do you American scum expect me to…”
The cowboy appeared behind him and gave him one strong round house kick on the ass while saying
“Get your grand leader, arrogant, radioactive ass in the fucking airplane son! I ain’t got time to waste on your bitchin’! This ain’t Pyongyang son, it’s Jerk Airways!”
The kick sent Kim Jong Un literally rolling through the main cabin, with passengers knocked aside like bowling pins. Kim Jong Un ended up sitting on top of one of his entourage members while wedged between three other people in various different positions.
“Grand leader, you’re crushing meeee!” wailed the man underneath Kim Jong Un.
“Silence you fool! I crush everyone!” snapped Kim Jong Un.
Unbeknownst to others, the man known as Snake assiduously avoided the cattle prods by hiding in a cardboard box and walking into the flight. That is, until the cowboy saw him.
“The fuck!?” said the cowboy as he saw the cardboard box walking in to the flight. The box suddenly sat still. This flight is getting weirder and weirder thought the cowboy. The cowboy walked up to the cardboard box, gave it one hard kick, and sent both Snake and the box flying across the flight, smashing into another crowd of passengers.
“Alrighty folks are y’all ready!?” drawled the cowboy.
The only response was moans and wails of the crushed entourage member and someone saying:
“Who the fuck brought this cardboard box on the plane…goddamn this flight”
“Alrighty folks! Let’s get going!”
The plane began to taxi as the pilot made some announcements:
“Hey everybody, welcome to Jerk Airways! This is your pilot speaking, known as Dom Toretto. Not really my real name, and yes it is from Fast and Furious series, and it’s what they used to call me when I was a stunt driver, and well, I’m not anymore, because, well, I don’t want to get into that. I haven’t done much flying before, but I hear it’s kind of like driving stunt cars, right? Anyways, hang on everyone! We’re about to take off!”
Here’s my chance, thought Snake.
Snake lay flat on his belly as he started to crawl his way forward to Kim Jong Un when the plane suddenly lurched forward, shaking off the ground, then suddenly skidding sideways through the air like a stunt car, sending Snake flying backwards again and smashing into some other passenger. Once more, the cowboy seemed to be glued in place with his magnetic shoes. Kim Jong Un seemed unaffected, somehow.
“HOO YEAH I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THAT IN THE AIR!” yelled the pilot.
Suddenly the flight seemed somewhat more normal again, if you could ignore the fact that there were people crammed into every space and a cardboard box randomly floating around. Even Kim Jong Un seemed quieter than before.
I’m getting too old for this, thought Snake as he tried to get off the ground.
Snake then began once more to make his way towards Kim Jong Un again. He used people as cover to avoid detection. Snake had gotten to within 10 feet of Kim Jong Un.
“Hey it’s Solid Snake!” yelled someone right at that moment.
Kim Jong Un’s eyes went wide, his face twisted into a mask of pure fear and horror.
“A SNAKE! WHERE IS IT!!!?? SNAKKEEE! HELLPPPP!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” he screamed as he started stamping around in a frenzy.
As Kim Jong Un continued to scream, the cowboy jumped into the fray with a baseball bat.
“WHERE DAT SNAKE AT!?” yelled the cowboy.
Kim Jong Un continued screaming and stamping in response. The cowboy started indiscriminately swinging his bat. Snake ducked and hid behind an entourage member, who was hit clean on the head and immediately rendered unconscious.
“Ah this ain’t gonna work” said the cowboy after hitting nothing but entourage members. He then got out his walkie-talkie. “Yo Dom, we got a goddamned snake on this aircraft, try some maneuvers to smoke out the bastard”
“HANG ON!” yelled the pilot.
The plane then started doing loops in the air. Snake and Kim Jong Un were both sent flying. Kim Jong Un smashed into other passengers like a pinball while Snake attempted to avoid breaking more bones. Passengers and bags flew around, while the cowboy hit anything that got too close with his baseball bat as if he was batting on a baseball pitch. Snake puked out the c-ration he’d eaten earlier. Kim Jong Un had stopped yelling.
“Alright I think we’re good Dom” said the cowboy into the walkie talkie.
The plane leveled out. Everyone landed flat on the deck again.
“Grow a pair grand leader, there ain’t no snake here, yeesh” said the cowboy as he walked off.
Snake got up again.
“Snake, you alright” said a voice in Snake’s ear.
“Just fine. It’s like I’m on vacation Otacon. You should really try it sometime” said Snake sarcastically.
“I’m fine with not being on the frontline Snake. I’ll leave that to you. It seems like you got detected that time. Try avoiding detection next time” said Otacon.
“I’ll keep that in mind” growled Snake.
Snake then proceeded to somehow pull out a barrel and jump inside it. He then resumed his approach to Kim Jong Un. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un had continued his incessant screeching.
“YOU AMERICANS ARE HORRIBLE! NO FOOD, NO WATER! EVEN I’M BETTER TO MY PEOPLE! I AT LEAST PRETEND!” bellowed Kim Jong Un.
“Well I guess that makes us more honest than you, grand asshole” retorted the cowboy. “Besides, we never said you’d get shit. Just that you’d get to your destination. That’s it.”
As Snake inched closer in his barrel, and people stared at the barrel, the pilot announced
“Alright everyone! Hang on! We’re gonna land!”
The plane then proceeded to swerve through the sky, sending the barrel flying off of Snake. Once more, everyone was in flight inside the aircraft. Kim Jong Un smashed Snake against a wall. The plane barrel rolled through the sky, sending Kim Jong Un into another pinball flight around the plane. The barrel crashed into Snake as he then proceeded to hit passengers, bags, and other assorted things as he came face to face with the cowboy, who still had his baseball bat. Snake was about to use his close quarters combat (CQC) techniques to disarm the cowboy when the cowboy hit Snake with the baseball bat to send him flying and smashing back into the barrel again and then back into Kim Jong Un, who at this point was screaming
“I WILL NUKE YOU BASTARDS!”
“HOME RUN!” yelled the cowboy.
The plane then touched down with a bone crunching thud on the runway. Once more, everyone was on the ground again. The flight finally got to its gate.
“Alrighty everyone! Time to get off!” said the cowboy.
The cowboy then made his way out of the plane to the gate. As the staff went through its usual routine of herding people and throwing people out of the plane, Kim Jong Un, staggered up to the cowboy. The cowboy was about to say something when Kim Jong Un shook the cowboy’s hand.
“You sir are an example to behold!” said Kim Jong Un.
“What?” asked the cowboy.
“A brilliant means of subjugation! Imagine transporting political prisoners like this! You have given me many ideas! I will implement them immediately to gain more power! You sir, are a hero of the Democratic People’s Republic! You are always welcome to the DPRK! As a hero! I thank you!”
Kim Jong Un then turned to his beleaguered entourage.
“Come on you fools! Carry your injured leader out of here! You will all be hailed as heroes!”
His entourage then attempted to lift Kim Jong Un on their own broken bones. They walked all of 7 steps and then all collapsed into a pile. The cowboy chuckled.
“Gosh darn, that’s gotta be the nicest thing anyone’s said to me!” said the blushing cowboy.
Snake, not the least nor the forgotten, limped through the boarding passageway. He was then on his knees. Otacon encouraged Snake to get through. He had gotten through the microwave hall, he could do this. Snake crawled through, then puked his instant noodles. He then crawled out of the boarding passage and collapsed onto the ground just at the gate. He saw Kim Jong Un once more being lifted by his entourage and staff members of the Dictator’s Conference. He knew in that moment the outcome of this mission.
“This is Snake” panted Snake. “Mission….failed”
“Snake!? What happened Snake!? Talk to me Snake. Snake!? SNAKE!? SNAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEE!” yelled Otacon in the radio in Snake’s ear.
The cowboy looked at the collapsed form in the gate. He shrugged his shoulders, picked up Snake, and literally threw him across the gate like he would any other passenger.