Take Back The Market! (The Thug Wars) A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards seemed to be relaxing a bit. Ever since the passenger kidnapping had been solved, he seemed to feel as if things were somewhat under his control again. At least, somewhat.

“Alright guys, so we’ve got to get back our market share again. Thug Airways is still cheaper than us, so even though they aren’t literally abducting passengers, we still need to convince those guys to fly Jerk. Any ideas?”

The room was silent. After a couple of minutes, the CTO spoke up.

“I have an idea that could potentially make us seem more attractive…”

Charles de Gaulle International Airport, Paris, France

The Jerk Airways departure gate had changed quite a bit since they first started the airline. Gone were the simple, normal, boring departure gates. Now, North Korean secret policemen patrolled the gate, frisking people, and on the lookout for any Thug Airways kidnappers. As usual, the infamous cowboy of Jerk Airways stood at the ready to begin boarding. One of the herders standing next to him seemed unusually nervous.

“We gonna be herdin’ them passengers or what?” said the herder.

The cowboy bared his teeth in a nefarious smile.

“Oh no boy. We tryin’ somethin’ different this time” he drawled.

The cowboy hopped up onto the ticketing desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alright y’all! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Philadelphia! Some of y’all know how boarding works here, some of y’all don’t. It don’t really matter, cause we’re changing things up a bit” drawled the cowboy.

“Are you boarding by groups!?” yelled a passenger.

“Whatever gave you that idea? We don’t do things like that here at Jerk Airways.” responded the cowboy.

“Then what are these!?” yelled the passenger while gesturing to his boarding pass.

The boarding pass did indeed have a group ID written on it.

“Oh we just got bored and wrote down some random stuff” replied the cowboy.

The boarding pass group ID for the passenger read:

PARTICULARLY DUMB FUCKER

While another one read:

GENERIC FUCKER

and yet another read:

CUTE

“Well anyhow, as I was saying, so we’re gonna do things differently this time! Inside the flight! There are exactly 5 seats! None of y’all are assigned those seats! Whoever can get them and hold on to them will have those seats for the flight! They even have seat belts and can recline as well! So first one’s to get ’em gets a good flight!” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers simply stared at him. Perhaps they were dumbfounded by the lunacy of what they had just heard. Perhaps they were so unused to the notion of seating that they couldn’t believe their ears.

“What the fuck are y’all staring at me for!? Didn’t y’all just hear me!? Get your asses in their as fast as y’all can and get them seats!” yelled the cowboy.

The passengers suddenly surged forward in a frenzy towards the gate. People pushed one another, kicked, and sprinted, in a stampede to get the much desired seats. At that moment, another herder whipped out a trumpet and began playing a tune:

At the same time, the cowboy yelled:

“GIDDYUP EVERYBODY! COME ON COME ON COME ON! RUN LIKE THE WIND! GET YOUR ASSES GOIN’! LET’S SEE SOME FIRE COMIN’ OUT THEM ASSHOLES!”

As the passengers surged inwards, the first few raced towards the seat. One laid his hands on the seat and was ripped away by another passenger and thrown to the back of the plane. That man tried to then seat himself only to be punched and knocked out cold by a woman who seemed to resemble Nicki Minaj. Another passenger literally jumped and sailed through the air a good 10 feet and landed on one of the seats, kicked others off of the seat, while attempting to claim the seat as his.

During the chaos and fighting ensuing around the seats, a North Korean secret police officer was furiously taking notes, probably to be used later and implemented in North Korea.

“Hmm, alright, is everybody on board?” asked the cowboy.

“Seems like it” said one of the herders.

“And look at that! Not only do they get seats, we didn’t even need to waste money on herding too much! They did it themselves!” retorted the cowboy.

“Most interesting” said a secret police officer while scratching his head.

“Alright boys! Let’s get this show in the air!” drawled the cowboy.

Once the last of the herders had boarded the flight, in typical Jerk Airways fashion, the flight began its usual operation.

“Alrighty, y’all ready to go?” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers were still too busy fighting for the seat.

“Well, looks like they aren’t, but we’re gonna go anyways” said the cowboy. “Johnny! You’re cleared for take off!”

Johnny Bravo, perhaps the second most infamous character of Jerk Airways, took the flight to the air, at which point he began his barrel rolls. The passengers not already belted into the seats flew around the flight. One passenger, who had not belted into his seat, tried to hang on but eventually lost his grip and hit another passenger like a ball in a pinball machine. One man, who looked oddly similar to Brad Pitt, managed to latch on to a seat with a passenger already belted in. He then proceeded to unbuckle the belt (while fending off the seated man’s punches) and rip the man out of his seat and sent him flying. He then took his seat and belted in.

The cowboy decided to make things a bit more interesting. He walked in, with his magnetic boots on and baseball bat in hand, and spotted a man launching himself towards an empty seat. The cowboy took his bat, took aim, and sent the man flying back towards where he came. The cowboy whooped:

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!”

The flight proceeded more or less as usual (as usual for Jerk Airways that is). Despite all the fighting, some passengers seemed convinced that flying Jerk Airways was somewhat better than Thug Airways. At least they had the hope of a seat.

 

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