The Thug Wars: A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards was in a bad mood lately. Ever since Thug Airways challenged Jerk Airways with even cheaper tickets and had started quite literally abducting passengers from Jerk Airways gates, Jerk Airways profits and share prices had fallen steadily. The news media had already found a name for this story: the Thug Wars.

“Well boys, it’s do or die, and I ain’t ready to die. What are our options?” said Jimmy.

“Lowering prices would be tougher. It means we’d actually have to optimize even further, and I’m not sure we can actually treat our customers any worse at this point” replies the CFO.

The room remains silent.

“Surely there’s something more we can do!?” lambasts Jimmy.

“Uhm, Jimmy? Might I give a suggestion?” drawls the infamous cowboy.

“Well out with it then!” growls Jimmy.

“We can’t solve all our problems at once, so we gotta do this one at a time. First thing’s first, we gotta actually make sure the passengers who are going on Jerk Airways actually go with Jerk Airways, and to do that I’ve gotta proposition for y’all. I’ve got a really good friend actually who could help us…”

Stockholm, Sweden

The Thug Wars had greatly changed Jerk Airways. The herders of Jerk Airways, trained to herd the herds of passengers, were not well trained for stopping thugs intent on kidnapping passengers. The herders set up barricades on the gate for Jerk Airways flights, but usually were unable to stop the thugs, who with their itching powder and laughing gas made quick work of the herders. Until today, that is.

As usual, the hero, or villain, depending on your perspective, of Jerk Airways, the cowboy, jumped up onto the ticketing desk. He scanned the crowd, trying to spot any potential thugs. The passengers all looked resigned, as if they had accepted their fate of being less than human for whichever airline they flew. The thugs had gotten better at disguising themselves, but were still fairly easy to pick out. Today, it seemed, the thugs had decided to disguise themselves as ballerina dancers. Of course, since none of them ever thought about shaving anything, their facial hair and hairy legs gave them away. One of them winked at the cowboy as his gaze went over the ballerina thug.

He thinks he’s a pretty ballerina…thought the cowboy.

“Alrighty y’all! We’re gonna get this show on the road! So, as per usual…” started the cowboy.

“HERE’S THE MOTHERLOAD BOYS! GRAB ‘EM AND TAKE ‘EM BACK!” yelled a ballerina thug.

Hoo boy, you ain’t got no idea what’s coming thought the cowboy in his thick Texan accent.

The leader ballerina thug started to make a grab for a passenger. The passenger was acting like everyone else, resigned to being treated like cattle, stolen away by other airlines, but content in the fact that he had only paid 5 dollars for this and not the absurd United Airlines prices. This passenger was dressed in a black suit, and even though it wasn’t dark inside, was wearing Men in Black style sunglasses. As the thug lunged at the passenger, the passenger suddenly reacted. He ducked the lunge, then roundhouse kicked the ballerina thug, sending him sprawling across the gate. The passenger then pulled a Super Soaker water gun out of his coat.

“FOR THE GLORY OF KIM JONG UN! STOP THESE FAKE CAPITALIST BALLERINAS! FOR THE DPRK!” roared the passenger.

“THE FUCK!??” yelled another ballerina thug in alarm while attempting to abscond with another passenger.

Suddenly, similarly dressed passengers all started pulling out Super Soaker water guns and with the same war cry, converged on the thugs. These were no ordinary passengers. These were Kim Jong Un’s secret police.

“IT’S THE FUCKIN’ SECRET POPO! THE WORST KIND!” screamed a ballerina thug.

“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM! IT’LL WORK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TOO!” roared the lead ballerina thug while he got up from the ground.

A ballerina thug spotted an incoming DPRK secret policeman. He pulled out itch bombs out of his skirt and threw one square at the secret policeman. The secret policeman kept on coming.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??” yelled the frightened ballerina thug.

“You capitalist scum throw itching powder at me!? I bathe in uranium! Your itching powder is nothing! I will make you my bitch, capitalist pig!” replied the grinning secret policeman.

“GET THE FUCK BACK! OH SHIT!” screamed the mortified ballerina thug while throwing his assorted bombs.

The secret policeman only laughed as the laughing gas hit his nostrils It did not stop him. The ballerina thug turned to run as he ran out of things to throw. The secret policeman took a rock steady aim at the thug, despite laughing, and fired a squirt from his Super Soaker. The liquid hit right on target on the soles of the ballerina thug’s feet. As the ballerina thug’s feet hit the ground, he couldn’t move.

“I CAN’T MOVE! THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!?????” howled the thug in horror.

The ballerina thug realized that the Super Soakers were loaded with some sort of quick cement. Suddenly the cowboy jumped in front of the stuck ballerina thug.

“IT’S CALLED PAYBACK MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy. “ALRIGHT BOYS! LET’S HEARD THIS SON OF A BITCH!”

The herders, who were already herding the stunned passengers into the flight, converged on the thug, lifted him out of his ridiculous pump heels and carried him away into the flight, while one herder prodded him with a cattle prod, for good measure.

All around, similar scenes were repeating themselves. All but one of the ballerina thugs were being taken away into the flight. The lead ballerina thug, seeing that the situation had turned against him, attempted to run away quietly. Suddenly, a DPRK secret policeman materialized in front of him.

“Where do you think you’re going, capitalist scum? We’re secret policeman! We’re everywhere and nowhere at once! You cannot escape us! Face it! You’re fucked! You will get owned by us!” snapped the secret policeman.

“OH SHIT!!!” yelled the ballerina thug in alarm.

As he attempted to run, the secret policeman round house kicked him again and sent the ballerina thug flying. As he flew threw the air, the cowboy jumped in his path, pulled out his baseball bat, and gave a good hit.

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.

The ballerina thug was sent flying back to the secret policeman. The secret policeman laced the ballerina thug in quick cement with shots from his Super Soaker and stepped out of the way of the ballerina thug’s landing area. The cowboy and the secret policeman walked up to the ballerina thug, who was now lying glued to the ground.

“How did you…” started the ballerina thug.

“We’re Jerk Airways son! We got friends in powerful places!” snapped the cowboy as he gestured to the secret policeman.

The cowboy smiled at the memory of visiting North Korea, remembering his pride at seeing Jerk Airways techniques in use for all aircraft in North Korea, remembering his meeting with Kim Jong Un, and how Kim Jong Un had said

“You’re a friend in need! Kim Jong Un will nuke your enemies! Assume your problems are gone my friend!”

“Now we’re gonna leave you here for the TSA and for that jackass, Johnny Capone. Let him know that Jerk Airways will not tolerate more of your bullshit. Have a nice day!” said the cowboy as he tipped his hat.

The cowboy returned to the flight, with the secret policemen where the herders had the captured ballerina thugs.

“What are you gonna do with us!?” wailed a ballerina thug.

“You’re the motherfuckers who came here dressed to dance right!?” snapped the cowboy.

The cowboy looked to the pilot’s cabin.

“Hey Johnny!” yelled the cowboy.

“Yea?” asked Johnny Bravo, who had returned to piloting aircraft after not liking corporate life.

“Hit me with some music!”

The song Cotton Eye Joe started playing.

“Y’all here are gonna be the entertainment for the poor passengers y’all tried to abduct. Y’all are the dancers. The herders and I are the fucking dance masters, DJs, etc. Alright boys, let’s get to it!” said the cowboy.

The herders jumped up and started using their whips and cattle prods on the ballerina thugs while the cowboy screamed

“DANCE MOTHERFUCKERS! DANCE!”

The passengers cheered while the ballerina thugs danced and did the Cotton Eye Joe. Different dance styles were tried at the behest of cattle prods and whips. All in all, it was a new dawn for Jerk Airways. Perhaps they could fend off these Thugs after all.

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