(We’re back this week, with an exciting new direction!)
JFK International Airport, New York
It was just another day. The cowboy was at it again, getting passengers ready for herding into a flight to London. The herders were getting ready with their cattle prods and whips. The cowboy was eyeing guys and girls who looked cute. Unfortunately for him, there weren’t many of interest to him on this flight
Jeez, this is gonna be a boring flight, thought the cowboy. The cowboy hopped up onto the desk, megaphone in hand.
“Alrighty folks! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to London! Y’all ready to get this started?” drawled the cowboy.
The cowboy was somewhat distracted by a group of 7 strangely dressed people. And, let’s fair, if someone who dresses like a cowboy finds someone else strangely dressed, they must’ve been strangely dressed. The group of 7 were all dressed like various gangsters from around the world. Chinese Triads, drug cartel thugs, Yakuza, Indian coal mafia thugs, American gangsters, highway robbers, and more all were represented. They seemed to be walking towards the Jerk Airways gate.
Maybe they’re cosplayers thought the cowboy. Then, the cowboy realized he knew one of the thugs. Johnny Capone, the intrepid lawyer who had represented Jerk Airways in the recent lawsuit, was leading the group, dressed in his usual gold chains, aviator glasses, torn jeans, and leather jacket. The cowboy was about to call out to him when something even stranger happened. The group of thugs fanned out into the crowd of passengers. Johnny Capone, in his thick Bronx accent, then yelled:
“THE MOTHERLOAD OF PASSENGERS BOUND TO LONDON! GRAB THESE FUCKERS AND RUN WITH THEM! AS MANY AS YOU CAN FOR THUG FLIGHT TO LONDON!”
The thugs then started randomly grabbing passengers and running with them while snapping at the passengers “Keep your mouth shut if you wanna live!”.
“HEY! WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL THINK YOUR DOING!? THOSE ARE OUR GODDAMN PASSENGERS TO MISTREAT!” yelled the cowboy.
“IT’S JUST BUSINESS MAN!” replied Capone.
“HERDERS! IN THE NAME OF JERK AIRWAYS! DEFEND US!” roared the cowboy.
The herders started running after the thugs who were absconding away with passengers. They can’t stand up to the cattle prods and whips now can they thought the cowboy as he smirked at the thought. But Capone had other plans.
“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM!” yelled Capone.
The thugs started throwing things that exploded on impact and released either powder or gas. The gas turned out to be laughing gas, putting some herders into a laughing frenzy while the powder sent herders into a scratching frenzy.
“HOLY FUCKIN’ SHIT!” yelled the cowboy.
He pulled out his baseball bat just as Capone threw an itch bomb right at the cowboy. The cowboy smacked the ball with his bat, sending it sailing right back at Capone, exploding all over his face, leaving Capone in a scratching frenzy while he ran.
‘HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.
The passengers dragged away by the thugs were then taken to another gate and told that either they pay $4 and get to their destination or be dragged off to some mafia warehouse never to be seen again. They signed their agreement, and just before they boarded, were told that they nothing was allowed onboard the flight.
“It’s for your security” said a thug.
Bags, jewelry, clothes, were all taken, never to be seen again. The passengers were given paper gowns in return.
“What is this?” asked a confused passenger.
“Thug Airways son!” retorted a mobster.
Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas
The TV was tuned in to CNN.
“Welcome back ladies and gentleman, I’m your host, Jake Tapper, and I’d like to bring you a special segment on the airline industry once again. Just a year ago, the airline industry experience a revolution, more like a Dark Age actually, with the introduction of Jerk Airways. Jerk Airways challenged all airlines with one simple proposition: their tickets cost only $5. They promise you’ll get where you need to be, on time, and that you won’t lose your booking, unlike United Airlines, who is now employing wrestlers and ex KGB officers to enforce their iron will onboard. What’s the catch? That’s all Jerk Airways promises. As many of you know, Jerk Airways literally herds its passengers using cattle prods and whips into the plane, where there are no seats and people are literally packed into the plane like sardines in a can. The pilots are ex rodeo stars and stunt drivers, known for insane flying antics. So passengers usually get off of Jerk Airways with broken bones among other things.
“You may remember hearing about Jerk Airways in the news a couple weeks ago when someone sued Jerk Airways for their passenger treatment. The plaintiff lost the case, and Jerk Airways is continuing its passenger treatment. You’d think that Jerk Airways has thought of every way of mistreating passengers to cut costs. That isn’t true anymore. Hard to believe right?
“Most of the other airlines are already suffering pretty badly, since they just can’t keep up, but now, Jerk Airways has a legitimate challenger: Thug Airways. Thug Airways was founded by ex crime boss Pablo Torrio Escobar, mafia boss Johnny Capone, and ex coal mafia boss Sardar Khan as a global mafia conglomerate airline. What are their principles you wonder? Well their tickets cost only $4. And they take things to the next level with passenger mistreatment. Jerk Airways was known for going to other airline departure gates and hawking their tickets to those poor passengers. These guys literally kidnap people from gates and force them to go onboard their flights, then proceed to strip passengers of literally everything on them, and only give them a paper gown in return, all in the name of security. And onboard the flight, they are once more forced onboard literally like sardines in a can. The pilots for these aircraft tend to be mafia getaway drivers of various types from around the world. They are giving Jerk Airways a run for their money”
“The run for money part is true. Our profits are taking a bit of a hit” said Johnny Bravo.
“GODDAMIT” roared James “Jimmy” Edwards.
“This is going to be vexing…” said the CFO as she scratched her head.