Find Part 1 here!
Mike Anderson and Johnny Capone sat in Judge Jonathan Mark’s personal office, where the short, portly man continued to pace back and forth as he talked on the phone.
“No no sir, I will not enter that court room until you send me a full bodyguard detachment from the military! I value my life far too much to go in their unprotected! And my aide will also require an escort! His duties of fetching food and coffee are paramount to the function of this court! Thank you! Thank you!” said Marks with his rather fake sounding British accent.
He put down his phone, took a seat at his desk. Anderson looked extremely nervous while Capone looked bored, with his feet on the desk.
“Oh dear lord, now where to begin with the two of you” sighed Marks.
“I would like to point out that this was a minor incident that-” started Anderson.
“Minor incident!? You punched a lawyer, in particular, Johnny Capone, in the middle of a court case!!! What does it take for it to become major!?” squealed Judge Marks.
“Well for once we’s agreeing on somethin'” said Capone with his heavy Bronx accent. “This wasn’t too big a deal. He did start it tho Judge”
“Look now to be fair Johnny, you did kind of push Anderson. But I’ll concede. Anderson! Apologize to him!” said Judge Marks.
“Why!? He started it!” snapped Anderson.
Before Judge Marks could say something, Capone interrupted.
“It’s ok Judge. It was a good brawl anyways. He threw some good punches, and I threw some good ones too. My boys get a bit nervous when someone has the balls to punch their boss. They won’t barge in next time. It’s all good.”
“Well it’s good to know that you aren’t angry, Johnny my boy!” beamed Judge Marks.
Anderson scowled but said nothing.
“Right, now that that’s settled, let’s get this case finished, shall we?”
Some time later, they were all once more settled into the courtroom. The ceiling had a new design created by the bullets fired into it from last weeks altercation. The bailiff, who had taken the majority of the punches from Anderson and Capone, had healed up fairly well from the physical injuries he’d received. His soul, however, seemed to not have faired as well. More and more he looked like he was becoming a ghost. The aide scurried into the courtroom with seemingly unlimited boxes of doughnuts. His bodyguard, a US Army Ranger, seemed a bit breathless.
“Jesus can that kid run!” breathed the Ranger.
“Well now that we are all settled in, injuries repaired, and my new US Army Ranger bodyguards are here,” he gestured to the two Rangers standing on either side of him, ” we can now start! Right, so where were we? Right, Anderson, any more witnesses?” said Judge Marks.
“I had one more your honor, but I don’t see him here…” trailed Anderson.
Capone looked smug.
“You wouldn’t happen to know what happened to him, would you Capone?” Anderson asked suspiciously.
“Actually I know what happened to him, you jackasses!” snapped the bailiff.
Everyone was stunned, including Judge Marks.
“Uh dear bailiff, are you feeling ok?” asked Judge Marks.
“As good as I’ll ever feel, smart-asses, If no one else is gonna follow protocol, why the fuck should I?” said an exasperated bailiff. “That witness decided that this joke of a case isn’t worth his life, so he ran off. That smug asshole Capone didn’t do anything. He just took one of his goon’s offer and is now chilling somewhere in one of Capone’s dens”
The bailiff had given up on everything it seemed. He called the aide over, took out a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards, and started playing a game with the aide in a corner of the courtroom.
“Right, well I guess not in that case” said Anderson.
“Oh good! We can move on then! Johnny! Your first witness!” said Judge Marks.
“Cowboy! Get up there!” said Capone.
The infamous Jerk Airways cowboy got up and walked over to the witness stand.
“Are you actually a cowboy?” asked Judge Marks.
“Welll” drawled the cowboy. “I guess I’m more like an aerial cowboy. A bit more modern, cause I do herd creatures that are like cows, but it’s a bit different now. I still got my revolver though!”
“Ohhhh that’s most fascinating! We must talk more good sir!” said Judge Marks.
“AHEM!” snapped Anderson.
“Oh fine you killjoy, we’ll move on!” snapped Judge Marks.
He first proceeded to finish off another doughnut.
“Swear him in bailiff!” ordered Judge Marks.
“Fuck you!” replied the bailiff without even looking away from his game.
“Oh some people are so incapable of dealing with a slightly different procedure! Fine then! He won’t be sworn in!” snapped Judge Marks.
Capone walked over to the cowboy.
“Ok then cowboy, tell these assholes in the court what you think about this case” said Capone.
“I think it’s complete bullshit! Jason Reynolds just bitches way too much. I try to be nice to these guys and this is what we get. A court case!” drawled the cowboy.
“That’s all I want to ask” said Capone.
“That’s it!?” yelled Anderson.
Capone simple shrugged as he sat back down.
“OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!” roared Anderson.
“Oh here we go again” said an exasperated Judge Marks.
“THE BAILIFF MIGHT’VE GIVEN UP BUT I HAVEN’T!” exploded Anderson.
“You’ll realize the truth sooner or later” said the bailiff while he drew another card.
“THAT WASN’T EVEN A TESTIMONY! IT WAS JUST OPINION!” snapped Anderson.
Anderson began breathing heavily like a horse after a hard run.
“I’m telling ya, he’s part horse!” stated the cowboy.
“Part jackass more like!” said Capone.
“BET!” yelled the cowboy.
“How much!” asked Capone gleefully.
“50 bucks!” drawled the cowboy.
“Your on!” responded Capone.
“Well, if that’s all he has to say, that’s all he has to say!” squealed Judge Marks. “Overruled! You can ask him more questions if you want now!”
Anderson got up and walked over to the cowboy. The cowboy wasn’t paying him much attention.
“Could you please state your name for the record?” asked Anderson.
The cowboy seemed to not hear him. He seemed to be looking for someone in the jury.
“Could you please state your name for the record?” repeated Anderson.
The cowboy still didn’t hear him, nor did he look at him.
“HEY!” yelled Anderson. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
The cowboy lethargically looked at Anderson.
“Why? You ain’t cute to look it, and you’re bein’ a pain” retorted the cowboy.
Anderson looked dumbfounded. Capone roared with laughter. A juror snickered. The bailiff and the aide continued to play Magic.
“Not cute!?” howled Anderson. “That’s all you have to say!?”
“Now now, no need to feel bad. I tell this to all the guys and gals I meet that I don’t think are cute. There’s someone out there for ya! I promise! And ya know what? I can probably hook you up, for a small fee of course” drawled the cowboy.
“This isn’t about my love life dammit! I’m asking you a question!” snapped Anderson.
“Nah you just tellin’ yourself that, but it’s all about love son! Love is all you need! And speaking of love, that there juror, hoo boy is she cute!” whooped the cowboy as he pointed at one of the jurors.
The juror in question blushed.
“Oh you’re too kind!” said the juror.
“Oh this is so cute! I must record this for my YouTube channel!” squealed Judge Marks.
“You’re here to answer my questions!” snapped Anderson.
“No no no, that cute girl there gets priority. See that’s how I work! Cuteness is always prioritized. Don’t be jealous that you ain’t as cute as that girl there!” responded the cowboy.
Capone had fallen out of his chair laughing. One of the Rangers was also chuckling at this point.
“Judge! He must be held in contempt of court!” yelled Anderson.
“The only thing he’s in contempt of is you, Anderson” replied Judge Marks, all the while filming with his iPhone.
“Bailiff! Arrest him!” yelled Anderson.
“You know buddy, you should give up. It’s hopeless! Come on Anderson, we’re playing EDH, we’ve got room for another player! You can borrow my deck if you want!” said the bailiff.
“Can I join?” yelled another juror.
Anderson turned around and stared at the juror as if he might just strangle her if she said another word. The rest of the jury turned to stare at her too.
“What? It’s not as if this trial is going anywhere” said the juror.
“Come on over” said the bailiff.
“Ok” said Anderson, trying to calm himself down, ” let’s try something different. You said that you always prioritize cuteness. Is that how you work on a Jerk Airways flight?”
“Call me!” said the cowboy in a whisper as he gestured to the juror he thought was cute.
He then turned to Anderson.
“Yes sir that is how I work!” stated the cowboy triumphantly.
“So you admit that you discriminate” said Anderson smugly.
“Now I do not discriminate! I prioritize cute men and women! Here, for example, that bailiff is cuter than you Anderson. So don’t be jealous” replied the cowboy.
This time the bailiff did look up in shock.
“Well, I never considered myself handsome…” started the bailiff.
“Well now you know my man! All ya need is some confidence! You can do wonders!” the cowboy winked at the bailiff.
“You sir are an example for us all!” said Judge Marks.
“Why thank you good sir!” replied the cowboy.
“You haven’t answered my question!” snapped Anderson.
“Well before I answer your question, let me ask you one, are you part horse or part jackass?” asked the cowboy.
“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” roared Anderson.
“Hey! You don’t talk to my witness like that!” snapped Capone as he jumped up from his chair.
“Anderson, you really must calm down” said Judge Marks.
“Look now Anderson, you definitely ain’t cute when you’re angry. Some guys are, but you just look like a pile of horseshit” said the cowboy.
Capone roared with laughter. A US Army Ranger dropped his rifle since he was laughing so hard. Anderson then tried to punch the cowboy. The cowboy ducked his blow, then yelled:
“ALRIGHT BOYS! IT’S HERDING TIME!”
A Jerk Airways attendant jumped up from the defendant’s table with a whip and a cattle prod and started his usual routine.
“GIDDYUP BOY! COME ON!” whooped the attendant.
“STOP THAT!” yelled Anderson as he backed away.
The attendant chased Anderson around the courtroom.
“So, now that anger management here is taken care of, now I’d like to tell you something Judge Marks. That is why we use cattle prods and whips. Because there’s rules we got, like you Judge Marks, and people don’t follow them rules even though they know about them” drawled the cowboy.
“GIDDYUP!” yelled the attendant.
Anderson roared and started panting again.
“See? He’s part jackass, I told you!” said Capone.
“Well, he could be part jackass and part horse too!” replied the cowboy.
“But what about your pilots?” asked a genuinely curious Judge Marks. “They’re stunt drivers, rodeo stars, how does that work?”
As the attendant continued chasing Anderson around the room, the cowboy continued.
“Well Judge, you’ve cut back on some things in the process to make things go quicker in this court, right?” asked the cowboy.
“Certainly! Otherwise it takes years to get a date at a court! We pride ourselves on expediency! Other courts take years! We take days!” said Judge Marks
“We’re the same way! We cut some things so that we can get the $5 ticket price! Besides, we say it straight up, we only say you’ll get where you need to for only $5! Never said how, never said in what condition! It’s all just business!” drawled the cowboy.
Anderson continued yelling while being chased by the fanatic attendant. The Rangers were now taking bets on who would tire first, the attendant chasing Anderson, or Anderson.
“Hmm, well I see. You sir, I must speak more with! Perhaps tomorrow over tea and doughnuts? Along with Johnny? Oh and yes, I pronounce you not guilty!”
“I’m good! How about you Capone?” drawled the cowboy.
“Yea I don’t think the mob’s got any hits scheduled tomorrow. Should be fine” replied Capone.
“This session is adjourned! And as I was saying…” said Judge Marks.
“YES! I DID IT!” roared the bailiff.
“What?” asked Judge Marks.
“I beat this aide after losing all my games! Take that you inhumanly fast creature!” roared the bailiff.
The cowboy ambled over to the juror he had set his eyes on and started chatting with her. Capone then walked over to the Magic game in progress and started to inquire if he could add these games to his gambling dens. Judge Marks continued munching on doughnuts. Anderson, who had been running nonstop, finally collapsed after being prodded and poked by the attendant multiple times.
“HOO YEA BUDDY! I AIN’T DONE THIS KINDA RUN EVER!” whooped the attendant.
“HA! Told you Anderson would be the first to fall!” yelled a Ranger triumphantly.
Check back next Sunday for another episode of Jerk Airways!