Complaining to Jerk Airways (A Tale of Jerk Airways)

To Whomsoever is in Charge of Customer Service (If it exists) for This Damned Airline

I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point. How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service! Your boarding process involved a man dressed like a cowboy (and what is it with you people and cowboys!?) first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination! I thought you people have equal treatment for all!? So much for that!

Then he started the general boarding, where the term ‘general’ seemed to mean ‘herding’, since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle! And I don’t see why anyone should be treated this way! Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism! That plane was already packed with luggage and people!

Onboard, I was half sitting, half crouching, and wedged between at least 15 other people Then we heard who the pilot is. By god. He announced “Hey y’all, welcome to Jerk Airways flight to New York City, JFK International Airport! I’m your pilot, Johnny Bravo, and I don’t usually fly planes, I actually usually ride bulls, but it’s the same general idea, and I promise y’all will get there. And just so y’all know, I do take tips should you want to give them!”. First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes? I discovered later what that connection meant.

So, now we go to take off, with the pilot leaving the PA system on as he screamed “YEEEE HAWWWW” into the mike while he took the plane off. At least he didn’t do anything too crazy here. No, that would come later. At this point I had next to no expectations from you people. But then came an announcement that drinks were going to be served. I wondered how they would manage this feat with the plane as crowded as it was. I discovered, to my dismay, what that actually meant. The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.

But of course, how could it? You seem to be intent on making sure that no one gets off these flights with a good experience. First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around, and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod. I somehow found myself pressed up against a window for the duration of the flight.

Then of course, your damned flight mercifully ended, but not before Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!? Of course, getting off the plane was another fascinating treatise on terribly treating your customers. The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms. The rest of us. Oh well, the rest of us don’t deserve this grand treatment. Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!” Once more, I am not skinny! Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries.

I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

Signed,

Jason

Jerk Airways Responds:

I will concede one thing to you, Jason my man, we don’t really have a customer service department. So instead, it’s me, that cowboy, who was on that flight with you, responding to your letter. I’m gonna break this all down and respond to each bullet point, from start to end.

-“I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point.

-How rude of you.

-“How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service!”

-Now, now buddy. It is legal because each time you fly with us, you’re agreeing to our terms of service. You were warned. You didn’t read our rules. And why did you expect customer service to begin with? We told you that for $5, we’d get you where you needed to be. Did you not get to NYC on time? We never said how you’d get there. Now on to boarding:

-“first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination!”

-How was it discrimination? I chose both men and women that I thought were cute lookin’, and gave ’em my phone number. A guy and a girl even called me back! You’re just jealous that I don’t think you’re cute. It’s alright. I’m sure someone’ll love you, even though you’re an angry guy. And we do treat everyone equally, as you noted next.

-“since the cowboy herded the rest of us in like cattle, complete with cattle prods and occasionally, whips! When I tried to complain about this behavior, the only answer I got was to be shocked with a cattle prod! Three times! This is not customer service! Here I was, trying to lodge a legitimate complaint, only to get an electric shock! I do not deserve to be treated like cattle!”

-Y’all gotta get in there and on time. I gotta do what I gotta do. And again, we never promised any treatment. Just that you’d get where you needed to. You got off easy compared to the others. Other guys got shocked 8 times.

-“Then once I reached the door of the plane, I couldn’t even begin to see how we’d all fit in there! Again, I tried to say there’s no more room, to which the cowboy simply kicked me in the ass to shove me into the plane while saying “get your ass in their son! Don’t be a pessimist! That glass ain’t half full! It’s half empty! And that means there’s plenty of room in their for your skinny ass!”. The nerve of this cowboy! For one, I’m not skinny, and two, this had nothing to do with pessimism!”

-1): You are skinny. It’s why I don’t think you’re cute. No need to be jealous of the others. I’m sure you’ll find someone. If this is a problem, I can find you a dating service. Just let me know.

-2): You are a pessimist. There’s multiple ways of looking at a situation like the one you described. One way is to see a plane completely full. I chose to see a plane half empty. See? I’m an optimist. You chose to see a full plane. That is pessimism. You won’t get anywhere in life with that attitude. Trust me

-“First of all, is this guy actually called Johnny Bravo? That was my first clue to be frightened. And he doesn’t usually fly planes? What the hell do you mean not usually? Is this like a weekend job for him, where he’s sometimes does this for kicks? Of course, it’s his part-time job, since he’s usually riding bulls! He’s a goddamned rodeo guy! What the fuck does riding bulls have to do with flying planes?”

-Yea, his name actually is Johnny Bravo. Don’t be hatin’ on him. And no, he doesn’t usually fly planes. He used to be a rodeo star, now he’s learning to fly planes on the job. You’d be surprised by how much riding a bull has to do with flying planes.

-“The cowboy person you have came out with a hose, and screamed: “WHO WANTS WATER!?”. Whoever said yes, he pointed the hose in his or her direction, and proceeded to shoot water at them. Apparently the hose was a pressure hose, more suited to putting out fires than to serving drinks! He then did the exact same thing for Coca-Cola, Fanta, Pepsi, and even beer at one point. What kind of decent people serve drinks this way? I got completely soaked in Coca-Cola and was sticky with it for the entire flight. If only it ended there and then.”

-You really have an attitude problem, don’t you? Nowhere do we say that you’ll be served drinks. That you got anything is me being nice to you. And as you yourself have correctly noted, it’s too crowded to go through with a cart. This is more efficient, and gets the job done. Besides, being sticky in Coca Cola ain’t the worse thing. Imagine the pick up lines!

-“First, we hit turbulence, to which Johnny Bravo’s response was “HOOO YEAH BABY! TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!” and he then proceeded to shake the plane left and right as if he was actually attempting to tame a bull. See, turbulence onboard a plane jam packed with people like sardines in canned sardine food  is pretty bad as it is. This was downright terrible on top of that. So everyone in the cabin spun around like we were on a Ferris wheel. Everyone except that damned cowboy, whose boots apparently were magnetic boots. So I was elbowed in the face at least 12 times, not to mention I tasted somebody’s boot in my mouth. Thank god I hadn’t eaten something, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would’ve puked like some of the other people did. Then something even worse happened. Johnny Bravo screamed “TIME FOR THE BIG ONE!!!!!” He then maneuvered the plane somehow to induce free fall in the main cabin. We were all now floating around,”

-Again, you gotta be optimistic. People throw themselves out of planes, go bungee jumping, go scuba diving, or go on roller coaster rides and waste so much money on it. You got the experience of zero g for only five dollars! Think of how great a story that’ll be! Plus now you know that you don’t like the taste of boot! Look at everything you’re learning about yourself! So some people puked. Think about it as extreme weight loss measures. Not everyone is as skinny as you are.

-“and of course, anyone who got too close to the cowboy was either kicked away with the boot or poked with the cattle prod.”

-Well, yea, I was wearing magnetic boots cause I knew that Johnny likes to play a little. You should’a been more prepared son! And yea, I don’t like you people getting too close.

-“Johnny Bravo landed the plane by slamming it down in the most bone breaking way possible. How do your own planes survive this sort of treatment!?”

-Jerk Airways engineering my friend!

-“The cowboy now proceeded to once more find those he deemed the prettiest (discriminating once more) and carry them out in his arms.”

-You’re just jealous you weren’t in my loving arms.

Once more, he herded people out of the plane, using the cattle prods and whips. But now after all this, there were people, like myself, who couldn’t get up. I was one of them. I asked for help from the cowboy, though I didn’t think I’d get it. He picked me up, took me to the gate, and literally threw me across the terminal the way one throws trash away while saying “We need this plane empty buddy, so get your skinny ass out of here! We got a schedule to maintain!””

-We got a schedule to maintain son! You got where you gotta be, so you better get your ass out of there!

-“Once more, I am not skinny!”

-Yes, you are

-“Needless to say, my first stop after the airport was the hospital, where I was in need of treatment for several injuries”

-Well, you got where you need to be right? And besides, I saw your hospital report. You complain way too much you pessimist! All you had were some bruises! Others had broken bones man! Optimism my man, optimism!

-“I demand compensation. Your treatment of passengers is far worse than that of even United Airlines and David Dao.

-You are welcome to go onto United Airlines, pay exorbitant prices, and deal with their wrestlers breaking your bones when they tell you that your seat has been sold to someone else. I hear that these days they throw you out the tail end of the plane onto the tarmac. And if you get lucky enough (or buy the exorbitant protection policy) to keep your seat. good luck with dealing with the ‘PR’ Officer onboard who will then threaten to kill you and your family if you ever say anything about the incident to anyone. We guarantee you’ll get where you need to be, for a cheap price. Nothing else. United does not give you anything cheap, nor do they guarantee you’ll get anywhere. Do you really think that United is any better? You’ll have the same broken bones, but you won’t be at your destination. Think about it, Sir Pessimist.

Thanks for flying with us!

Yours truly

The Cowboy of Jerk Airways

PS: I can definitely hook you up with some dates if you need them.

PPS: You didn’t tip Johnny Bravo. He was a little pissed.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s