Aggressive Business! A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards walked into the meeting room, at the top floor of Jerk Airways tower in downtown Dallas Texas. As always, he was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that had “We aren’t better, just way cheaper” written on it. The various corporate officers were already seated at the large table. As Jimmy sat down at the table, he said,

“Alright everybody, seems like this quarter went pretty well”

“Profits are good, customers aren’t complaining too much more than usual about the usual stuff, and we are slowly turning people away from American, United, and Delta”

“Hmm, any problems?” asked Jimmy.

“Well, we are doing well, but we aren’t that big at the moment. In order to get bigger, we’re gonna need to do more international routes without using other airlines, thus lowering the cost to our usual price of $5 and in general, we need more”

“How’s the investment side looking?”

“Well, we’ve managed to convince people that rather than pretend to be nice to the customer and charge ridiculous rates that just throwing them in the tin can and charging very little for it is the better way to fly. We’ve got enough investment for phase 2”

“Alrighty then! Time for phase 2 of Jerk Airways! Throw the investment in there, start getting aggressive! And remember, that cost has gotta stay low! So whatever you can think of! Anything! From passenger optimization, employee optimization, to route optimization, whatever you can think of! Time to put the heat on them other airlines! Aggressive business guys!”

1 Month Later, Newark Liberty International Airport

God I hate flying, thought Mike. Mike was waiting at the airport to go to Beijing for a routine business trip. HIs company had booked him on United Airlines for the afternoon flight. It was almost time to board. And it looked like United had once more overbooked its flight. A bored looking attendant stood at the desk, announcing the unfortunate news.

“So this flight is overbooked, so we will be asking for people to voluntarily give up their seats. We used to give vouchers for buying tickets with United, but since nobody really likes those, we’ll give you Pokemon Go! vouchers”

“Nobody plays Pokemon Go anymore!” shouted a passenger.

“That just isn’t true and you goddamned know it!” the attendant retorted angrily. “If no one takes those, then of course, these guys here will take care of the overbooking problem”.

The attendant gestured to two extremely muscular and tall men, dressed in United uniforms that barely contained the muscles, who both looked to be ex wrestlers.

“Hello, I’m Jawbreaker” said the one man.

“And I’m Skullcrusher” said the other man, “and we hope that you have a pleasant flight”.

Mike was fairly certain that Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher would probably say the exact same thing after ripping some poor passenger out of his seat and throwing him out onto the tarmac. These days, United instructed its wrestlers to not throw passengers out onto the gate, since there were too many witnesses there. The result was that the wrestlers would throw the passengers out onto the tarmac. Rumor had it that one passenger was actually throw in with the check in luggage. Mike shuddered, hoping that he wouldn’t have to deal with any such unpleasantries. His company usually bought the exorbitant ‘insurance policy’, otherwise known as protection money that ensured that United would not result to such tactics with him at least. But these days, United getting desperate, and even the ‘insurance policy’ wasn’t a guarantee.

“And when I say overbooked, I mean that 75% of coach class is actually gonna have to go” said the attendant.

“The fuck!? This is outrageous man! I thought we bought those goddamned seats!” screamed another passenger.

“Don’t make me come over there” said Jawbreaker, with a grin that seemed to say that he would relish going over to that passenger and breaking his jaw.

“Not in front of so many witnesses” said a man standing behind the two wrestlers. He was dressed in a trench coat, with a United uniform on underneath. Clearly, this KGB looking guy was the ‘PR officer’ for the flight.

“It not outrageous my friend! People be getting to destination! Don’t worry! Relax! If it isn’t you, you enjoy cute Pokemon on cellphone, yes?” said the PR officer.

Oh no, this is gonna get ugly, thought Mike. Why can’t we just get the seats we bought?

“Now why would any of you listen and deal with these jackasses?” rang out a new voice.

Everyone turned to see who the newcomer was. Their eyes were greeted by the sight of what could only be described as a cowboy standing on a stack of luggage, looking out at the crowd.

“Like seriously man, why the hell would you deal with people who’ve already told you that you probably ain’t gonna be getting where y’all need to be? First they rip y’all off by charging like a thousand dollars and they can’t even guarantee you a seat! And when they admit that they can’t give y’all that seat, what do y’all get? Y’all get goddamned Pokemon Go! vouchers! Like, not even App Store credit, or Xbox Live! credit, or Playstation Store credit, or god forbid, Steam Credit. No, it’s goddamned Pokemon Go! Who even plays Pokemon Go! anymore? Seriously!? Like you’ve gotta be some kind of freak to play that game now. So uncool man” he drawled.

HEY! I STILL PLAY THAT GAME!” screeched the attendant.

“Well, like I said, some kind of a freak, since only a freak would work for United Airlines and sell y’all this bullshit. Y’all realize that this is bullshit, right?” inquired the cowboy.

There were murmurs and nods of agreement (though not for the Pokemon Go statements). Mike, though an avid Pokemon Go player, found himself agreeing with the cowboy’s words.

“Who is this circus freak?” asked an exasperated attendant.

“Should I go and break his jaw?” asked Jawbreaker.

“I already tell you, there are too many witnesses. Let me find out where this son of bitch lives” said the now reddening PR officer.

“This circus freak” the cowboy said coyly, ” is here to give you a much better offer than Pokemon Go vouchers. All y’all gotta do is give me 5 dollars! Just 5 dollars! And we at Jerk Airways will get y’all to Beijing. Guaranteed! Y’all won’t be thrown out on the tarmac by Beavis and Butthead over there” he said while gesturing to the wrestlers.

“HEY! I’LL BREAK YOUR BONES AND USE YOUR SKULL FOR SOCCER!” bellowed Skullcrusher.

The PR Officer grabbed Skullcrusher by the collar of his uniform.

“How many times I tell you idiots not here! Too many witnesses!” screeched the PR officer.

“DON’T CALL ME AN IDIOT!” exploded Skullcrusher.

Skullcrusher then proceeded to peel off the PR Officer’s hand from his collar, pick the man up by his collar, and hurl him across the terminal. The PR Officer screeched

“WHY DID I TAKE THIS JOB!!???”

as he smashed into a magazine stand and land on the ground with piles of magazines covering him. Mike faintly heard the PR Officer say

“I should’ve stayed with KGB”

So they are ex KGB! thought Mike.

“ahahahah he called you an idiot!!! HAHAHAHAHA IDIOT SKULLCRUSHER!” Jawbreaker roared with laughter.

Skullcrusher’s face had turned bright red at this point. Skullcrusher stormed up to Jawbreaker, who was overcome with laughter at that point, then proceeded to punch Jawbreaker, sending him across the gate, forcing the attendant to duck. Jawbreaker smashed into a wall, putting a dent in it. Jawbreaker quickly got to his feet, with an expression that didn’t bode well for the gate or the airline.

“FIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTTTT!” screamed Jawbreaker.

With a war cry, Jawbreaker jumped across the gate, landing directly on Skullcrusher. The two were embroiled in a fight that rivaled even the worst WWE match. The flight attendant screamed for security.

“Ah well, I guess he’s the sensitive type’ drawled the cowboy as he gestured at the fighting wrestlers as a TSA guard flew over the crowd around the cowboy, evidently thrown by the wrestlers. “So, who’s with me? Just 5 dollars guys and y’all can get to Beijing, do whatever y’all need to”

Many passengers started lining up right there and then. Mike had heard of Jerk Airways before, and while he wasn’t super sure if this was the best option, witnessing the brawl between Jawbreaker and Skullcrusher, that had now lead to airport chairs being ripped out and used to batter one another and the poor security guards attempting to intervene, wasn’t making him feel any better about United.

“Yea, sign me up too” said Mike as he handed 5 dollars to the cowboy.

“Alrighty then partner! Let’s get rolling!” said the cowboy.

A large crowd had formed behind the cowboy as he lead them to what Mike presumed could only be the gate for the Jerk Airways flight to Beijing. As Mike looked around, he saw  that Jerk Airways was going to every gate and convincing people to fly Jerk Airways instead of the flight at the gate. Talk about aggressive marketing, thought Mike. I wonder how these Jerk Airways guys are gonna do this…

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