Jerk Airways: An Interview

“Ok, we are live in 3, 2, 1”

“Hello everyone and welcome back to our show. And now, we move on to an interesting segment about the airline industry. By now, most seasoned air travelers have heard of Jerk Airways, for various reasons. With me, I have CEO and co-founder of Jerk Airways, James ‘Jimmy’ Edwards to talk to us about Jerk Airways. Thanks for joining us tonight Jimmy”

“It’s good to be on Jake”

“So let’s start with some easy stuff. What’s the story of how Jerk Airways started?”

“Well that’s an interesting one actually. I was going with my buddy (and cofounder) Reese on an post graduation celebration trip to Darujhistan on United Airlines when we saw the most remarkable thing. So apparently the flight was overbooked, and no one wanted to get off, because apparently, Darujhistan was super popular that year as a destination for post college graduates. Something about massively discounted alcohol on sale, because it was getting banned next year or something. Anyhow, so what do airlines do when no one wants to get off? Well, they choose some guy at random, and they insisted it was random, and tell him or her nicely and cordially to get off the plane. So there were some complaints from the others but one dude absolutely refused. Apparently some girl had told him to come meet her there for a massively fun time. That was how he described it, I swear. And apparently, if he didn’t get there on time, some other lucky dude was gonna take his place. Now the first clue that this guy was somewhat nutty came to me when he said that he’d met this girl on the Internet. The second clue came with this description that I’ve just described to you. And then finally, his refusal to get off, right after that David Dao incident of the guy being dragged off the flight. So United seemed really fed up with controversies, so they really wanted to try something new this time. Apparently, two of the air stewards were former WWE wrestlers”

“Former WWE wrestlers?”

“Yes I’m not quite sure how they went from beating the shit out of colleagues to beating the shit out of air travelers. But in any case, you can see where this is going”

“I suppose?”

“Well anyhow, so they get the idea that they are going to handle this guy. So they come down, ask him if he’s going to leave or not. When he says no once more, by holding up his middle fingers, the first steward wrestler, who was known as The Terminator, literally rips the dude out of his seat, belt and everything, throws him down in front of the second wrestler steward, known as BoneSaw, who then punts the dude across the plane. Finally, The Terminator picks up the dude, literally throws him out the door into the boarding area while BoneSaw throws the belt at him for good measure.”

“Wait a minute. Why didn’t anyone complain about this!? Why wasn’t this in the news!? Why has nobody ever heard of this!?”

“Well see, apparently United had starting hiring PR people for each flight who actually sit on each flight. Most of these PR people were ex-KGB, Trump’s press secretaries, or something. Most of their PR experiences came from spinning Trump’s tweets, silencing the press, and other things. So this guy on this flight, who’s name was Boris Grishenko. Imagine an ex-KGB dude, wearing a United uniform underneath a trench coat. That’s this guy”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh no, it’s all true. See United never made these practices public, and they have techniques for keeping people quite, but they do indeed have it. Nowadays they discontinued it, since it doesn’t really work, and we’re giving them competition”

“Well, if you say so”

“Anyhow, so this guy tells us to give him all our cellphones ‘for security’ and then individually either bribes or threatens each passenger to silence them. See, at this point, I’m like, we pay so much for terrible seating, delays, and to top it off, terrible service, and it just doesn’t seem worth it. So we decided to solve one of those problems”

“The service one?”

“Oh god no. No one in the airline industry would ever do that. No, we went on to solve the ticket cost problem. That was my only goal.”

“And you do that by basically cutting back on everything any airline provides”

“Well now, you say that, but think about it. What do airlines give you? They can’t guarantee your seat. We can, because, we don’t have any seats. They give you terrible in flight food and pretend it’s good. We don’t even give you water. They limit what you can take onboard, claiming that there’s not enough storage space. We let you take anything, cause there is no storage space. Plus you’ll get to where you need to be for only $5.”

“But how do people manage without any seats, food, water, or storage?”

“It’s easy enough. If you ain’t gonna get it, you ain’t gonna expect it. We guarantee only one thing: that you’ll get where you need to be.”

“And what about reports of using cattle prods to handle passengers?”

“Well it get’s a little crowded sometimes”

“I think a little crowded is an understatement”

“Well semantics and perspective. Some people see a little crowded. Others see a pig pen. Anyhow, so sometimes it’s a little crowded in the main pen, er cabin”

“You mean the only cabin”

“Right, so sometimes we need to finesse the passengers around a little”

“By using electric prods?”

“Well it gets the message across, don’t it?”

“I mean these are people”

“Yea, a little bit of electricity is only gonna wake ’em up before they get where they gotta be”

“You seem to have an interesting perspective on all of this”

“Well, sure. How else can you guarantee $5 tickets and the destination without making some sacrifices?”

“Does that include hiring former rodeo stars and fired stunt drivers for pilots?”

“Well, you gotta cost cut somewhere, and it’s way easier to get these guys, train ’em to be pilots, instead of getting actual pilots”

“By having people fly the plane the way they ride a bull?”

“Well it’s sort of fun if you view it a certain way, right?”

“What about the passengers that come out with broken bones from these flights?”

“Well, we never guaranteed how they’d get there, did we? Just that they would.”

“I see. Well. this seems to be getting nowhere. Thanks for coming on…I think”

“Thanks for having me!”

 

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